Like a Certified Virgin

Recently, the Quebec College of Physicians had to warn its members not to issue virginity certificates.

I’ll wait a moment while you clean off the coffee (or Coca Cola or Victory Gin or whatever you’re drinking) you just spewed all over your computer monitor.

Here’s more on the story from the Toronto Sun article “‘Virginity Certificates’ a No-No, says Quebec College of Physicians”:

 Quebec’s college of physicians is threatening to fine any members who issue virginity certificates.

“A virginity certificate is not a medical act,” said Dr. Charles Bernard, president of the college, while acknowledging that the attestations are rarely issued.

tim-hortons-CafeBakeShopLogo

Donuts and virgins go great together.

I like how the Quebec College of Physicians issued a “no-no” which is what I used to say to my toddler when she wandered too close to the fire place.  A “No-no” from the Quebec College of Physicians is like a judicial injunction, I guess, or maybe a Papal bull.  The idea of a “No-no” makes me imagine a Canadian physician sitting at his desk, retrieving a pen from a drawer, preparing to sign his John Hancock (or whatever they call it in Canada.  A Tim Hortons, maybe?) to the crisp sheepskin that virginity certificates most certainly must be printed on and then some interfering College of Physicians guy comes rushing into the room, wagging his finger and screaming “No-no!” at the top of his lungs.

Anyway, back to the virgins.  

I’m going to ignore the reasons why a patient would seek a Virginity Certificate from her doctor because I’m an American and a feminist and horny so thinking about that makes me all sorts of angry, and this blog is about the funny, not the angry, so let’s go with that.

Red Robin Bottomless Steak Fries®

Virgins and non-virgins can agree about one thing: Red Robin Bottomless Steak Fries® are awesome.

I’ve got to wonder if a Virginity Certificate might be good for anything other than, you know, the obvious.  Like would it get me discounts somewhere?  Could I show my Virginity Certificate at Red Robin and get unlimited  Bottomless Steak Fries®?  Well, I could show them the certificate, but they give Bottomless Steak Fries® to everyone, virgin or not.  The server might look at me a bit differently, though.

My husband is a physician, though of the American variety, not québécois, and I thought he could issue me my Virginity Certificate and I would try to use it around town to get free stuff.

Sexually Active Me: Say, would you issue me a Virginity Certificate?

My Not As Sexually Active As He Would Like to Be Husband (hey, we have two kids.  You try and find time for sex): There are a lot of things wrong with that question.  But let’s start with the fact that you’re not a virgin, though you’ve been acting like one lately.

Sexually Active Me: Are you about to turn my certified virgin blog post into a big complaint about how you’re not getting enough sex?  I don’t think my readers need to hear any more from you, then.

So you can see my husband would not assist me in my effort to scam free stuff for virgins.  I decided to look elsewhere and I came upon this website (what did we do before the internet?): certifiedvirgin.com.  For the very reasonable price of $1USD (that’s $1.03 to all you Canadians getting the no-no from your doctors), I can get a very official piece of paper declaring me a certified virgin.

But long time readers of this blog will know that I am cheap frugal, so the thought of parting with even a single dollar to document my certified virginity goes against everything I believe in.  There has got to be a cheaper way to let the world know who’s a virgin and who isn’t, right?

I’ve got it.  I’ll start playing World of Warcraft, watching Dr. Who and writing a blog.

The images in this post can be found on the media pages of Red Robin® and Tim Hortons.

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16 thoughts on “Like a Certified Virgin

  1. bodycrimes says:

    More importantly, who certifies the certifiers? Is there a recognised course in virginity certification?

    BTW There’s a clinic in the next town over where I live that specialises in ‘vaginal cosmetic surgery’ by which they mean reconstructing the hymen. I wonder if the patients get a certificate at the end.

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    • Karen says:

      Yeah, unfortunately, cosmetic surgery has moved from our face and our breasts and down to our hooha (I believe that is the technical term for it). In addition to hymenoplasty, liposuction on the mons pubis is not unheard of here in the States, either.

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    • Karen says:

      No, I think the women want the certificates as well. Unfortunately, there are cultures (and both men and women within those cultures) that view the only worthwhile item a woman has to offer is her hymen.

      I dunno. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a man was a virgin or if he’s just lousy in bed. 😉

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    • Karen says:

      It makes me sad to think there would be a girl out there so desperate for a worthless piece of paper that she would pursue one on a black market.

      Anyway, I’m optimistic that this practice will go the way of the do-do in about a generation or so.

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  2. bunny48 says:

    Wait a minute, I could spend a dollar and pretend I’m a Virgin again? Think of the Freedom! Think of the Joy. Think of the Deception. I could sing, “Like A Virgin!” and I wouldn’t be lying. Oh, What a great idea. You’ve got my thoughts rolling.

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