Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Bananas

While we weren’t looking, Argentina recognized the basic legal rights of an orangutan named Sandra.

Lawyers for Argentina’s Association of Professional Lawyers for Animal Rights (Afada) argued that Sandra was a “non-human person” and was being detained illegally in Buenos Aires’ zoo, the BBC reports.

The case rested on whether the court decided the orangutan was a “person” or a “thing” and after judges rejected the writ several times, they finally ruled the ape had rights that needed protecting.

I don’t know how the human race did not see this coming. Didn’t James Franco Charlton Heston forewarn us?

 

 

But we let down our guard, and while we were hustling and bustling around during the holiday season, those orangutans down in Argentina kept their eyes on the prize.

The question really should be: Who doesn't want a banana?

Who doesn’t want a banana?

Clyde: Now is the time we must strike. The humans are busy buying each other pedicure sets and ugly sweaters and making that green bean casserole that only Aunt Mary likes!

Dr. Zeus: Patience, my dear Clyde. The wheels of justice turn slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine.

Dunston: Who wants a banana?

Now that Argentinian orangutans have basic legal rights, I guess it’s only a  matter of time before the winds of change blow north. I live not too far from America’s very first zoo in Philadelphia. The Philadelphia Zoo was established in 1859, the same year Charles Darwin’s The Origin of Species was published. Darwin’s book argued that orangutans and humans descended from a common ancestor, and that theory has been making animals feel uppity ever since. Is it any wonder that they’re now demanding basic legal rights? The real surprise is that it took them this long.

I imagine once all the animals are turned loose to rampage through the streets liberated from the Philadelphia Zoo, they’ll find out that these basic legal rights aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness may not be all that appealing once koalas discover there is nary a eucalyptus leaf to be found in Love Park. Of course, they probably won’t get that far, on account of the fact that jaguars and snow leopards don’t eat eucalyptus.

Bow down to your superiors, human!

With equal protection guaranteed under the law, domestic pets will enjoy basic legal rights as well, and I’m interested to see if our two spayed cats, Bella and Noodles, will choose to stay or go. With no litters of kittens tying them down, I wonder if the excitement of the open road might draw them.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, ladies, and, anyway, I’m tired of scooping your litter box.

Royalty-free stock photos, including the images in this post, can be found at freeimages.com.

A Different Sort of Hunger Games

I can’t decide what I find more amazing about the news story, Woman Sets Speed Record Eating 72-Ounce Steak: is it the size of the steak (four and a half pounds!) or the speed it took Molly Schuyler to eat it (four minutes!)?

There used to be a reality show on the Travel Channel, Man v. Food, in which the host took on eating challenges at restaurants around the United States.  On one episode he ate a bucket of chicken wings, on another episode he ate a gigantic burrito–you get the idea.  I first discovered the show when I was pregnant and ravenous and nauseous (all at the same time) years ago.  The show has since wrapped production but it airs endlessly in repeats so you can still catch it if you want to watch a guy eat a whole mess of not-always-appetizing food.

Here’s a bit from the episode filmed in Philadelphia where he ate a giant cheesesteak, natch.

I like burritos and chicken wings and steak as much as the next non-competitive food eating woman, but just last week at Outback Steakhouse® I dithered over whether to order the 6 oz. or 9 oz. filet.

My Patient Bloke Husband:  How hungry are you?

Sheila Me: I’m pretty hungry.

No Rules. Just Right. Wait, there is one rule. You have to eat it all in four minutes.

My Decisive Bloke Husband: The nine ounce.

Sheila Me: I may not be that hungry.

My Five Year Old Joey:  (pointing to the 20 oz. Porterhouse) I want this.

My Nine Year Old Joey: You can’t get that.  You have to order off the Joey menu.  (pointing to the 24 oz. ribeye)  I’m gonna order that, though.

Outback Server: Are you folks ready to order?

My Annoyed Bloke Husband: They’ll both have the Grilled Cheese-a-roos.  She’ll have the 9 oz filet and I’ll have the New York Strip.  And a Classic Steakhouse Martini.  Make it a double.

Needless to say, I didn’t finish the 9 oz filet (I knew I should have ordered the 6 oz!) and I can’t imagine a scenario in which I could scarf down 72 ounces of beef, like Molly Schuyler did. And she weighs 120 pounds, so she ate 1/27 of her weight!  She’s sort of like those ants who can lift 50x their own weight, only instead of heaving that grain of sand to the very top of the anthill, she eats it!

You can (still!) watch episodes of Man v. Food on the Travel Channel.  Check your cable listings for dates and times.

The image in this post comes from the Outback Steakhouse® corporate website and is believed to comply with fair or acceptable use principles established in U.S. and international copyright law.

The Daily Prompt today:

Click over to whatever website you visit most frequently to get news. Find the third headline on the page. Make sure that headline is in your post.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us a CURRENT EVENT.

Creepy Public Wanking

I’m a big fan of PBS’s Antiques Roadshow and I was surprised to learn of the similarly themed Market Warriors only while reading about Fred Willard whacking off and how it got him fired from that gig.   I’m probably disappointing more than a few of my readers by not inserting some joke here about antiques and Willard’s 72 year old wang,  aren’t I?

Anyway, now we’ve all heard about Market Warriors and it will be forever associated in our minds with creepy public wanking. The first episode was filmed here in Philadelphia, so I should feel some civic pride (I guess?) but first they need to replace Willard’s heavy breathing, panting and grunting voiceover with a new voiceover from sexless Antiques Roadshow host Mark L. Walberg.

Market Warriors airs on July 23, check your local listings, and  try to not think about Fred Willard when you watch.