Why That Sucky Blog That Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do, Part II

On Monday, the Daily Post asked the question:

Daily Post at WordPress.com

What makes a blog great? What makes you follow a blog or “Like” a post?

AB_LOGO_webready

Right now, attorneys are drafting a Cease and Desist letter with my name on it.

Yesterday, in Part I of Why That Sucky Blog That Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do, I made you all quite a bit paranoid about the readers of your blog by explaining the reasons why people Like/Follow your posts.  Armed with that knowledge, how can we explain the fact that the dumb post that stupid blogger wrote about his dinner at Applebee’s where his wife ordered this dish and he ordered that dish and that was it, goddammit, they didn’t even take pictures of the food, and not one thing happened that was memorable, let alone bloggable, and I just wasted ten minutes of my life reading that post and now oh my God how did this post get 114 Likes and 278 Comments???????

How can we explain that?  What is there to Like about a dinner at Applebee’s?  What is there to even say about a dinner at Applebee’s?

And yet there are 114 Likes and 278 Comments.

I consider myself to be a member of the Seinfeld School of Blogging, meaning I blog about nothing, so in and of itself a dinner at Applebee’s isn’t automatically disqualified as material for a blog post.  In fact, I envision a future post on this blog about dinner at Applebee’s, because I’ve eaten there (unfortunately), and I’ve rather a lot to say about the experience.  I consider myself to be a bit of a gourmand (or at least a foodie.  Or at least a person who eats), but I’ve decided I’m an abject failure as mother because my daughter wants to go to Applebee’s for her birthday because it’s her favorite.  I blame her father.  His favorite restaurant is Red Robin.

My point is, I don’t think it’s the content of an individual blog post that attracts Likes and Followers, which is why we so often see craptacular posts get a zillion Likes while our best work is ignored.  Think about it.  Isn’t there a post on your blog that got a ridiculous amount of Likes for no reason that you can fathom?  Here’s mine: What If You Had to Marry the First Person You Had Sex With.

Instead, I think we can attribute these mega-Like posts to the following:

  • The Lemming Like/Follow:  A blog is Liked/Followed because other people are Liking/Following.  When I first started blogging, I remember following a blogger for the simple reason that she had 1400 followers and I thought, “Wow!  She must be good to have so many people following her!” so I started following her.  It turned out she is an absolute psycho, and my original reason for following has morphed into something else (see: Trainwreck Like/Follow).
  • The Catch 22 Like/Follow: Similar to the Lemming Like/Follow but it also works in the reverse.  Your blog gets Likes/Follows because it has Likes/Follows and it also doesn’t get Likes/Follows because it doesn’t have Likes/Follows.
  • The Social Like/Follow: Packs of bloggers who roam WordPress in gangs and Like one another’s posts because they’re mafiosi friends.  I actually should do more of this, but I just can’t bring myself to Like that awful post you wrote about Applebee’s.  You’re better than that.  Really.
  • The Are They Fucking? Like/Follow: I’ll confess that there are at least a dozen bloggers I follow because I think they’re having affairs with one another (they aren’t.  Well, they probably aren’t.  I mean, they couldn’t be, could they?)
  • The Trainwreck Like/Follow:  The posts on these blogs are just so bizarre that you can’t look away.  This explains every single Like/Follow on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please.
  • The Freshly Pressed Like/Follow: The least valuable Like/Follow, it’s the result of WordPress editors using the random filter (which is no filter at all!) on all the gazillion blog posts published each day.  I’ve been Freshly Pressed twice and while it does give a momentary spike to your stats, you’re left having to respond to a shitload of comments like this: “Your blog is very nice.  Can you please come over to my blog and follow me?”

So there you have it.  Those are the reasons Why That Sucky Blog That Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do.  I wonder if WordPress has any more questions for me to answer . . .

You can join me in mocking Applebee’s with images, like the one in this post, from their media page, Applebee’s newsroom.

The Second Time Around: Contrasting My Two Experiences Being Freshly Pressed

What does this mean, exactly?

What does this mean, exactly?

I was Freshly Pressed for the first time back in August of last year and lightning just struck twice: I was selected again for the honor this past Friday.  In the wake of the original selection, I wrote what I still regard as one of my favorite blog posts, The Absolute Last Post I Will Make About Being Freshly Pressed, but it turns out that title was misleading, because I have more to say (as is often the case).

That first piece, Blog Posts I Didn’t Write, was selected back in August and is fairly typical of what I write here at Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please: a short, (hopefully) humorous, non-fiction piece about something not particularly important (but, wait, maybe it really is important?) which includes a few naughty words.  The post that was selected on Friday, Welcome to the Committee, is not so typical: a long-ish (at 1700+ words it’s about three times longer than my usual posts), fictional piece that included the word “sausage” and was written in response to the Weekly Writing Challenge over at the Daily Post.  Last August, I hit 3,300 page views in a single day for Blog Posts I Didn’t WriteWelcome to the Committee is seeing a much more modest ~200 views  a day over the weekend, which isn’t really much of an increase over my usual daily page views.  I picked up 80 new followers the day I was first published on Freshly Pressed; this time, it looks like I’ve added about 35 new followers as of this writing.

I’m an analytical person, so I’ve found it interesting to contrast the two experiences.  In the interim between the first time I was Freshly Pressed and the second time, I’ve read a lot of blog posts from writers who bemoan never having been selected and sometimes even criticize the blog posts that are selected.  For what it’s worth, I think the blog posts that get selected for Freshly Pressed are often real head scratchers, including my own.  Neither post I’ve had Freshly Pressed is my best work, but I do appreciate the recognition that comes from being selected, and the wider audience I’ll achieve for my writing.

I guess I’ll close this post by suggesting that folks looking to be Freshly Pressed consider responding to the prompts over at the Daily Post.  Your odds of being selected improve dramatically because you’re only competing against the bloggers who choose to respond to the prompts, rather than the six gazillion other daily blog posts here at WordPress.

We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming, in which I write about sex in the absolutely least erotic way possible.

My Year in Blogging

In this lull between Christmas and the New Year, I felt it would be a good time to reflect on 2012 and my year in blogging.  Here’s my list of embarrassing things I wrote on the internet achievements and if it gets you thinking about some of the stuff you wrote, I’d love to hear your favorites from your own blog.   Post a link in the comments or if you’re feeling shy, email me a link.

freshly-pressed-circleThe post that got me Freshly Pressed: Blog Posts I Didn’t Write.  You can read about my thoughts on being Freshly Pressed in two follow up posts, Freshly Pressed and The Absolute Last Post I Will Make About Being Freshly Pressed.

The post that (IMHO) is the funniest: My Four Rules of Sex.  Required reading for all men who decide to email me and ask for sex after reading my blog. (Um, please don’t email me and ask for sex. I am only joking.)

The post that no one read (but really should have): All I Ever Needed to Know About Love I Learned from a French Waiter.  It raises questions about the meaning of love, instead of just making dick jokes, like I usually do.

The post that I (maybe) wish I had not writtenIn Praise of Dating Your Dad.  Incest is (maybe) not as funny as I thought, and I got called a “jackass” in the comments.

The post that got the most views (other than Freshly Pressed)Lick, Pump, Squirt, Snore. I do not know why, but lots and lots of folks are out there Googling “karezza” (go ahead.   Google it.  I know you wanna).

The post that got the most likes (other than Freshly Pressed)Harry Potter Doesn’t Get Laid.  Apparently you pervs like to sit around and think about what sort of sex they’re having in Gryffindor house.

The post that got the most comments (other than Freshly Pressed)Sexual Bucket List. I only scored a 21 from the list, which makes me an absolute virgin compared to some of you freaks.

Last but not least, the best comments of the year.  There were a bunch, and thanks to all who made this blog funnier with their contributions in the comments.  Here are a few of the folks who made me laugh this year:

•                Boondocksbrainwork responds to my end of blog post query in The Pros and Cons of Polygamy and Turkey Leftovers.

•                GreedyFrog discusses appropriate orgy etiquette in Every Single Filthy Disgusting Thing the Human Brain Can Imagine .

•                Jesse from Buckhouse confesses her Christmas Eve plans in Merry Christmas and Please Date Me.

•                Nancy Francis on what she thinks cruise ship ice rooms are for in Sexual Bucket List.

•                PuckerUpButtercup offers to introduce me to a real live lesbian in Is Sex Necessary?

•                Rebecca from Lady Or Not and I share a Vagina Dialogue in What is the Biography of Your Vagina?

•                Sebastian March is funnier than I am in Topless Woman, Ford Pick Up Truck, What Could Go Wrong?

So Happy New Blogging Year to you all, and I’m challenging my fellow bloggers to take a moment and review your own blog, and share a link in the comments to the best posts you’ve written this past year.

Happy Blogging New Year!

Happy New Blogging Year!

 

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

The Absolute Last Post I Will Make About Being Freshly Pressed

I posted earlier today about my experience being Freshly Pressed and there are a couple of things I wanted to add because I can never quite shut up about anything.  But I do absolutely promise that after this post I am done with this topic, and we will get back to me talking about sex in the least erotic way possible.

After I’d been contacted by the good folks at WordPress, I was certain they had made a mistake by selecting my blog.  Maybe someone’s finger had slipped scrolling down the long list of blog titles and they clicked on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please by accident.  Because I write about sex.  And I swear. In fact, the post that had been selected included a really explicit section about condoms, and a few paragraphs later, I used the word “dick.”  And mostly what I had seen on Freshly Pressed did not mention dicks and/or condoms.  Or maybe I didn’t look back far enough into the Freshly Pressed  archives.  Maybe dicks and condoms have a long and storied history of being promoted on Freshly Pressed.  Maybe if you blog about dicks and condoms, you actually improve your chances of getting Freshly Pressed.  

Something to think about.

While you are considering that, here are my other tips for being selected for Freshly Pressed.

Wear these glasses, and say you just finished James Joyce’s Ulysses.

  1. Trick the editors at WordPress into believing your blog is actually full of literary merit, instead of mostly full of dick jokes, by naming one or more books you may have, but probably didn’t, read.  In my Freshly Pressed post I said that I had just read two novels (Stephen King’s 11/22/63 and Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl) which fooled caused the editors at WordPress to categorize my Condoms and Dicks post as “Books.”
  2. Talk about your cat.  If there is one thing nerds on the internet like to talk about, and I assume the nerds at WordPress are no different, it’s their cat, or, if they are also crazy, their multiple cats. I once had a long discussion with a friend about the number of

    I like this photo because it’s vaguely obscene.

    cats one had to be living with in order to cross over from being a pet owner to being a crazy cat lady.    I have one cat, so my answer was: “Two.”  Oddly enough, my friend has no cats, and yet she set the bar much higher (lower?) by answering, “Four.”  In my Freshly Pressed post, I mentioned my pet cat, Noodles.  You can read more about Noodles here and here and here.

  3. Think of me before you delete that crappy post you just wrote instead of clicking PUBLISH.  Right after I wrote it, I absolutely hated the post that was selected, Blog Posts I Didn’t Write.  But I had committed to posting every day.  I see you checking my posting calendar and you’re noting that I have not even been posting every day, and you’re thinking, “She’s a lazy slacker.”  Well, you’re right.  Half the time I haven’t even been writing posts,

    When all else fails.

    I’ve just been linking to Youtube videos because, yes, ok, I admit it, I am a lazy slacker!  But at the time I wrote Blog Posts I Didn’t Write, I was really intending to post every day, and it was late in the day, and the clock was ticking down, and sweat was streaming down my forehead and I just pushed “Publish!” to be done with it.  So before you delete that crappy post you just wrote, think of me, and you may find yourself Freshly Pressed, too!

I know that a lot of people who have come to this blog have also been Freshly Pressed, so what are your (serious) tips?  And how many cats do you have to have before you become the neighborhood crazy cat lady?

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

Freshly Pressed

I debated with myself over whether or not to write about my experience being Freshly Pressed  last week for this blog entry, Blog Posts I Didn’t Write , because I don’t want this blog to turn into yet another blog about blogging (sheesh!), but I’m just so amused and astonished about the whole episode, I thought I’d share some fun facts.

Prior to being Freshly Pressed, I was getting about 30 page views a day, I had received a total of five comments over the past month, and I had just gotten my tenth follower (thank you Susan Wells Bennett and her blog, Bright Lights, Big Cactii!), which caused a mini celebration at my house attended by my cat Noodles, who didn’t understand why I was pumping my fist in the air, but she did appreciate the fact that I finally opened the new package of Whiskas Temptations (Tasty Chicken Flavor), which up until then did not seem to be serving any purpose other than sitting in my cabinet and making her tummy grumble.

So that was the state of Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please  on August 8, 2012.

Then I was Freshly Pressed on August 9, 2012.

Norway?

By the end of the day, I had 3,341 page views, 114 comments, and 85 followers.  I’d also been reblogged (I’m new to this, and not really sure what that means, other than a blogger posted a link back to my post on their

Sweden?

blog), and pinged (again, not sure what this is, exactly) by a Scandinavian blogger who noted on his blog in Swedish (or maybe it was Norwegian?) that he didn’t really understand the post, but whatever.

I’ll have more to say about Freshly Pressed later, but this whole episode has made me wonder about a bunch of things.  So what do you think about Freshly Pressed?  And what makes you click the “like” button on a blog entry?  And what makes you decide to follow a blog?

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.