Why That Sucky Blog That Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do, Part II

On Monday, the Daily Post asked the question:

Daily Post at WordPress.com

What makes a blog great? What makes you follow a blog or “Like” a post?

AB_LOGO_webready

Right now, attorneys are drafting a Cease and Desist letter with my name on it.

Yesterday, in Part I of Why That Sucky Blog That Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do, I made you all quite a bit paranoid about the readers of your blog by explaining the reasons why people Like/Follow your posts.  Armed with that knowledge, how can we explain the fact that the dumb post that stupid blogger wrote about his dinner at Applebee’s where his wife ordered this dish and he ordered that dish and that was it, goddammit, they didn’t even take pictures of the food, and not one thing happened that was memorable, let alone bloggable, and I just wasted ten minutes of my life reading that post and now oh my God how did this post get 114 Likes and 278 Comments???????

How can we explain that?  What is there to Like about a dinner at Applebee’s?  What is there to even say about a dinner at Applebee’s?

And yet there are 114 Likes and 278 Comments.

I consider myself to be a member of the Seinfeld School of Blogging, meaning I blog about nothing, so in and of itself a dinner at Applebee’s isn’t automatically disqualified as material for a blog post.  In fact, I envision a future post on this blog about dinner at Applebee’s, because I’ve eaten there (unfortunately), and I’ve rather a lot to say about the experience.  I consider myself to be a bit of a gourmand (or at least a foodie.  Or at least a person who eats), but I’ve decided I’m an abject failure as mother because my daughter wants to go to Applebee’s for her birthday because it’s her favorite.  I blame her father.  His favorite restaurant is Red Robin.

My point is, I don’t think it’s the content of an individual blog post that attracts Likes and Followers, which is why we so often see craptacular posts get a zillion Likes while our best work is ignored.  Think about it.  Isn’t there a post on your blog that got a ridiculous amount of Likes for no reason that you can fathom?  Here’s mine: What If You Had to Marry the First Person You Had Sex With.

Instead, I think we can attribute these mega-Like posts to the following:

  • The Lemming Like/Follow:  A blog is Liked/Followed because other people are Liking/Following.  When I first started blogging, I remember following a blogger for the simple reason that she had 1400 followers and I thought, “Wow!  She must be good to have so many people following her!” so I started following her.  It turned out she is an absolute psycho, and my original reason for following has morphed into something else (see: Trainwreck Like/Follow).
  • The Catch 22 Like/Follow: Similar to the Lemming Like/Follow but it also works in the reverse.  Your blog gets Likes/Follows because it has Likes/Follows and it also doesn’t get Likes/Follows because it doesn’t have Likes/Follows.
  • The Social Like/Follow: Packs of bloggers who roam WordPress in gangs and Like one another’s posts because they’re mafiosi friends.  I actually should do more of this, but I just can’t bring myself to Like that awful post you wrote about Applebee’s.  You’re better than that.  Really.
  • The Are They Fucking? Like/Follow: I’ll confess that there are at least a dozen bloggers I follow because I think they’re having affairs with one another (they aren’t.  Well, they probably aren’t.  I mean, they couldn’t be, could they?)
  • The Trainwreck Like/Follow:  The posts on these blogs are just so bizarre that you can’t look away.  This explains every single Like/Follow on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please.
  • The Freshly Pressed Like/Follow: The least valuable Like/Follow, it’s the result of WordPress editors using the random filter (which is no filter at all!) on all the gazillion blog posts published each day.  I’ve been Freshly Pressed twice and while it does give a momentary spike to your stats, you’re left having to respond to a shitload of comments like this: “Your blog is very nice.  Can you please come over to my blog and follow me?”

So there you have it.  Those are the reasons Why That Sucky Blog That Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do.  I wonder if WordPress has any more questions for me to answer . . .

You can join me in mocking Applebee’s with images, like the one in this post, from their media page, Applebee’s newsroom.

Why That Sucky Blog that Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do, Part I

Yesterday, the Daily Post asked a question that I often obsess over:

Daily Post at WordPress.com

What makes a blog great? What makes you follow a blog or “Like” a post?

I’ve considered this very question before in Why I Stopped Liking Your Blog Posts, but I continue to wonder about it.

For the record, Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please is rapidly approaching 1000 followers, numbers which have been buoyed by a sudden and surprising popularity in Jakarta, a place where everyone seems to be inspired to blog about generic Viagra.  I guess “Viagra Blogs” are their version of “Mommy Blogs”.  Anyway, I can’t complain too much about my Jakartan followers because at least they speak English, and I guess I can imagine someone there maybe making sense out of a post like Let Go and Let God (Find You a Date for Saturday Night).  However, I reserve the right to continue to be suspicious of the mass of followers I’m accumulating in the smallest country in South America, Suriname (pop. 560,000–there are more people living in Vermont), where the official language is Dutch.

In order to answer the question posed by the Daily Post, first we have to understand the different types of Likes and Follows on WordPress blogs.

  1. Fake Like/Follow: the reader has never read a post on your blog, but Likes/Follows because they have an ulterior motive.  Usually, the motive is merely that you will return the Like/Follow (see: Reciprocal Like/Follow) but sometimes it’s to get you to go to their blog and buy generic Viagra.
  2. Reciprocal Like/Follow: the reader has not read a post on your blog, but Likes/Follows only to get you to Like/Follow their blog. This almost always works with newer bloggers, desperate to increase their readership, and almost never with older bloggers, who have become cynical and jaded by too many bloggers trying to sell them generic Viagra.
  3. Pity Like/Follow: the reader has actually read your post/blog (finally!) and doesn’t really like it, but they press the Like/Follow button because they feel sorry for you, usually because your post is so pathetic they’re hoping to forestall your suicide by Liking/Following.
  4. Stalker Like/Follow: the reader is reading every blog post you write, Liking/Following you, following you on Facebook and Twitter, sending you email, and also hiding in the bushes outside your apartment.
  5. Lurker Like/Follow: the reader pops up on your blog occasionally, and comments just often enough to make your spouse suspicious that there may be something more going on with that blog of yours.
  6. Genuine Like/Follow: the reader likes you, they really like you.

So there you have all the different types of Likes/Follows.  In tomorrow’s post, Why That Sucky Blog that Sucks Has More Followers Than You Do, Part II, I’ll discuss why those other bloggers are getting so many Viagra Bloggers, as well as some genuine, real life people, to Like/Follow their blog, even though it sucks.

Free Your Stomach, and the Rest Will Follow

This post has been edited to add the Daily Prompt for today, coincidentally enough:

Daily Post at WordPress.com

If you could get all the nutrition you needed in a day with a pill — no worrying about what to eat, no food preparation — would you do it?

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Nope, still tastes like semen.

Maybe it will taste better with a slice of lemon in it.

I have to wonder if Rob Rhinehart, the man behind the “food of the future,” Soylent, has the same attitude about sex as he does about food. According to the software engineer/food hater, food (or maybe more precisely, shopping and cooking) is a “hassle” which can be avoided by limiting your diet to his creation, Soylent.  What is Soylent, you ask?  Here’s an explanation from the crowdfunding website  for the powdered drink mix that promises to “Free Your Body.”

What if you never had to worry about food again?

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