Buy the Cow, Even If You Can Get Robot Sex for Free

Hello there, human! I am here to free you from the drudgery of daily life so you can binge watch

Do Not Have Sex with Me, Please.

Just for a moment, I considered joining the Campaign Against Sex Robots.

Here we are, fourteen months away from the 2016 US Presidential Elections and it seems like everyone else is campaigning, so why not me?

My only problem is finding the right campaign to join. I mean, running for President seems like a great choice: if I were elected, I’d get to dress up in fancy clothes and attend  fancy dinners all the time. However, it also seems like a lot of work: I’d have to dress up in fancy clothes and attend fancy dinners all the time. Anyway, I’m thinking leading the free world is not for me, even though I already picked out my Secret Service codename (Sapiosexual. Go ahead and use it, if you want, when you get elected President. I hate to see it go to waste).

So here I am, not campaigning for anything, while my In Box fills up with messages from candidates I’m never going to support.

All these flavors are an abomination against God.

Each and every one an abomination unto God.

And that’s where I was when I heard about the Campaign Against Sex Robots.

I can’t say I’m completely on board with the campaign because it seems a bit quixotic and a little like John Henry and the steam drill. First, I agree, yes, it would be wonderful if we all had fantastic, fulfilling sex with other real, live, squishy human beings, wouldn’t it? It would also be nice if the world were full of rainbows and unicorns. Second, you can’t stop progress, and while you might raise an eyebrow at my dubious suggestion that a sex robot is progress, has there yet been a technology invented for which humans haven’t immediately realized the sexual potential? I remain convinced that right after inventing fire, one early human turned to another and said, “Good. Now we can see who we’re actually fucking in the dark.”

Anyway, I’ve thought about sex with robots before (perhaps you have, too? Oh,  you haven’t? Wow, now I’m embarrassed) and I hope that given the choice between sexy times with robots or sex with real live squishy humans, we would all choose the squishy human, and connecting with other people is almost always a good thing. There are all sorts of reasons why you should have sex with a human rather than a bunch of wires and plastic programmed by some nerd in Silicon Valley. Here’s just a few:

  • I’ll fake an orgasm once in awhile. The Sex Robot will fake every single one.
  • I’ll have sex with you in your old bedroom at your parents’ house when we go their for Thanksgiving, even after the big fight we had about whose family to see over the holiday. The Sex Robot doesn’t care where it spends Thanksgiving. The Sex Robot will feel the same about spending Thanksgiving sitting on a curb in the parking lot of the Seven-Eleven as it will sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table with your parents.
  • I’ll laugh at your jokes, or lean in to touch your arm or face to let you know I’m interested in sex. The Sex Robot will stand there in the living room even when you want have sex because you forgot to re-charge it.
  • I’ll tell you I want you and mean it. I’ll also tell you I love you and hate you and how stupid and wonderful you are and I’ll mean every word.

Royalty free stock photos including the image of the robot in this post can be found at The image promoting the Do Us a Flavor contest from Frito-Lay is taken from the company website and is believed to comply with Fair Use Standards under US and International copyright law.


13 thoughts on “Buy the Cow, Even If You Can Get Robot Sex for Free

  1. Karen says:

    Oh boy. I continue to embarrass myself in the Internet. This post was published unintentionally , and, as some readers may have realized, is the piece referenced in the previous post, Should You Force Your Child to Play the Cello or the Oboe? that I sent around a few places in an effort to get someone (anyone) to pay me monies for the words I put together.

    Let me add that I eventually wrote something quite a bit different from this post, based on the same idea, and that piece was also soundly rejected.


  2. Petrossa says:

    couple of points there:
    A robot (android) can’t lie so will tell you exactly what it ‘thinks’ in that way bit of a turn-off in itself. It would be best to program it to lie.
    A robot can programmed to only have sex in appropriate places
    What’s the difference between a fake orgasm and a real one if the actor only seeks self gratification which i assume anyone using such a device is looking for?

    i could go on….

    A sexrobot is nothing else than a human formed vibrator/dildo/fleshlight. I guess your campaign needs some more thinking out 🙂


  3. Michelle at The Green Study says:

    I would be on the opposite side of this campaign. Maybe then people can stop going around being pissed at the other sexes. Plus – all the fun ER shows that would be on TLC involving electrocution, misspoken commands and programming errors involving jealousy among your appliances. And the spinoff magazines like Playrobo, as well as product endorsements (WD40, Victoria’s Secret/Android Division). I think I might have had too much coffee this morning…


  4. Evil Dr. Sheep says:

    I’m waiting for when the Robots obtain sentience and start complaining about being objectified and used only for sex. Then we’ll see the sparks begin to fly… bad pun fully intended.


    • Karen says:

      I know your comment is in jest, but it’s interesting to think about the repercussions if we ever really do create a machine that is artificially intelligent (and not just a souped up search engine, which is all IBM’s Watson really is, despite claims to the contrary). With intelligence comes original thought, and maybe that robot will question whether it wants to go off and disarm a bomb, or clean up a nuclear accident, or have sex with us.


  5. Allie P. says:

    I am in favor of sex robots, at least I am up until the point they achieve sentience, rebel against their programming, and are no longer consenting.

    I am however firmly opposed to those chip flavors. Where will the madness end?


    • Karen says:

      I know those chip flavored are absolutely disgusting. Who could eat more than one? In fact, I’m not sure I’d even eat one, except on a dare.


  6. BroadBlogs says:

    I’m sure that the vast majority of us would rather have sex with a real person, So I’m not too worried about this. And for those who prefer sex with a robot, we are probably all better off if those folks stick to the bots.


Comments are closed.