Life is Short. Stay Away From My Husband.

There is no time like the present for cheating on your spouse, at least according to AshleyMadison.com.

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And life is short, I won’t argue with that, and I’ll wager it’s going to be significantly shorter if your spouse finds out you’ve signed up for a membership on AshleyMadison.com, the internet fucking dating site for cheaters married people.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with married-and-cheating websites, let me explain that there are a whole bunch of them out there, with names like Marital Affair and Illicit Encounters, and still others with names like eHarmony and Match.com (for those who want to cheat on their spouses, but not with other sleazy cheaters).

Anyway, back to AshleyMadison.com. Sanctimonious virgins Hackers broke into the website recently and made off with the personal information of the members, which is sort of like what happened at Home Depot and Target awhile back, only instead of your spouse discovering you’re painting the bathroom some weird shade of green or wearing Sonia Kashuk cosmetics, they just found out you’re trying to have marital relations with someone outside your marital relationship.

As you might imagine, the data breach sent a collective shudder through the internet, as adulterers around the world wondered what the hackers would do with the information. Would they leak all the registered email addresses, alerting the world (and that includes your spouse!) that you’ve been out there doing something you should not have been doing? Would the Ashley Madison hack be a sort of sexed-up version, with sex, of Edward Snowden releasing all those super-secret classified documents?

You can imagine why some folks were concerned. Not me (Are you surprised? Dear Reader, must you have such a low opinion of me?), as my familiarity with AshleyMadison.com comes mostly from that one episode of The Simpsons.

Since I’ve been researching this post, I’ve become more familiar with AshleyMadison.com (btw, remind me to clear my browsing history). The site is full of all sorts of interesting information, if by “interesting” you mean “depressing.” Here’s an infographic I pulled from the site’s Twitter feed, purporting to show the “top cheating neighborhoods” in Philadelphia.

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My neighborhood isn’t on the map, so I guess if I want to cheat, I’ll have to move. If I’m looking for a threesome, I’ll head to Mount Airy (that’s what the image included there, means, right?) and if I’m interested in a spirited game of Chinese Checkers before cheating, I guess University City is the place to be. Animal lovers cheat in Frankford, and I’m not really sure what’s going on in Chestnut Hill, but it’s nice to see that couple spend quality time with their young child, even if they are cheating cheaters.

Still, that chart has to be heartening for the faithfully inclined: there are over six million people living in the Philadelphia metropolitan area, and only 50 of them are having affairs, apparently (please don’t argue with my careful interpretation of the highly scientific data that has been meticulously collected by AshleyMadison.com). Let’s see, half of those must be women (again, please don’t argue), so it looks like there are 25 desperate home-wreckers out there who I have to guard against.

I think I’m up for the task, because, as I demonstrated in the post, Tales to Tell, I’ll hiss and claw at your face if you even look at my husband. Bitch, you do not want to go there.

The images in this post come from AshleyMadison.com and are believed to comply with Fair Use standards under U.S. and international copyright law.

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13 thoughts on “Life is Short. Stay Away From My Husband.

  1. Michelle at The Green Study says:

    I’ve been trying to come up with some witty, erudite comment for this post, but I find this website so repulsive that all I can think is “ugh”. Why bother staying married if your hobby is to have affairs? I may be a tad puritanical in my thinking, but affairs suggest there is at least one non-consenting adult in the scenario – one’s spouse.
    Also, this whole story feels like an episode of Law & Order. Except one of the hackers decides that he/she will use the info to earn a little cash on the side and is killed by the person they’re exhorting from….or so it seems, but it’s really the spouse who knew about the cheating but wants to save the cash for a new minivan…I’ve been watching a lot of crime TV lately…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karen says:

      Lots of stuff here, but I’m going to respond the “why bother staying married” part. Warning, I’m going to sound like I’m defending adultery, but bear with me.
      I think folks want to have affairs and still stay married because perhaps they don’t equate marriage with sex. There are other aspects of marriage that are appealing. Plus, there’s the whole cake and eat it, too.
      As someone who has been married for awhile, I can understand the desire for novelty. I’m sure my husband can as well. So this impulse toward adultery is not something that is foreign to me.
      However, I can’t imagine a betrayal more devastating. That’s what keeps me on the straight and narrow. In addition, the thought of my husband with another woman absolutely fills me with a rage I can’t even describe, and I believe in fairness, so if I don’t want him to be with another woman, I can’t expect him to ask any less of me.

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      • Michelle at The Green Study says:

        I get what the rationale is – I mean, humans can rationalize just about anything they want to do. But there is an ethical stance here that has nothing to do with the institution of marriage and everything to do with lying and being the kind of person who does that to another person.

        I’d be grossed out that someone with whom I’m intimate would share his bits and pieces, but I care more about the dishonesty. I do not, at this point in my life, want to live with someone I do not trust, so adultery would be the end of marriage for me. Not unforgivable, just untenable.

        The other thing that always baffles me is that I can barely handle one relationship, much less two. That must be exhausting.

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  2. Elyse says:

    I want to know what’s happening in Port Richmond; it looks terribly uncomfortable!

    I actually heard a radio ad for this, ummm, establishment, just as I arrived home. Had I hit the garage as I nearly did guffawing, I could possibly have made a peace offering with a membership ….

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  3. Karen says:

    I have the utmost confidence that the only people registered on Ashley Madison are a few (probably single) men and some hookers, practicing the worlds oldest profession in the 21st century.

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  4. AthenaC says:

    I happened to be talking to my boss when he noticed some spam email come through from Ashley Madison. He laughed and said he was certain his life expectancy would suddenly and significantly shorten if he were to go anywhere near that site.

    I just figured they (depressingly) knew their market as middle-aged professionals.

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    • Karen says:

      I have all sorts of spam filters on my email accounts so nothing ever gets through (including occasional email I want to read) but so far I’ve never been solicited by the folks at Ashley Madison. I’m not sure if I should be relieved or insulted. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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