Over on Her Life Inspired, Simone Jones Tyner is calling on her readers to take part in the “Summer Sex Challenge” and I’m considering it, mostly because it’s July, just about everyone is on vacation, I’m wearing sandals to work, the temperature hovers near 90 degrees every day, and I’m wondering if I could get away with serving the kids ice cream for dinner twice in one week.
A challenge could be just what I need to add a little structure to my summer, so that when September rolls around, I can look back and say that I accomplished
sex something in the Summer of 2015.
If you read the fine print, or at least read Ms. Jones Tyner’s explanation in the comments on the post, “Why You Should Take the Summer Sex Challenge,” you’ll see another reason why the event appeals to me.
Other than attempting to have as much sex with your partner as you can, there are no rules to this challenge.
So there are No Rules, sort of like eating at Outback Steakhouse, and, also like eating at Outback Steakhouse, I’m hoping they’ll be low expectations. I imagine expectations can’t be too high in my relationship, anyway, as I’ve been married for a dozen years now, and there are only so many positions into which the human body can configure itself, not to mention the limited number of orifices. I’ve been married so long that introducing a new technique is just as likely to be met with guarded suspicion as delighted surprise.
“Where did you learn to do that?” my husband will ask, but he really doesn’t want to know. I’m not sure if the real answer (that I saw it on the internet in an East Yurkanian porno clip) will be less unsettling than the one he imagines (that I learned it from a real, live East Yurkanian).
The Summer Sex Challenge, as you might imagine, piqued my husband’s interest, at least, at first.
“Wait a second. It’s not like that ALS Ice Bucket Challenge fundraiser, is it?” he asked. “We’re not going to have to ask our friends to donate money every time we have sex, are we?”
“No, but it’s interesting to see where your mind goes. I’m all for a little ice play.”
He’s a former altar boy and still a nerd so he thinks I’m talking about ice hockey. I consider (just for a moment) having sex on a Zamboni but reject the idea, as we’re both pretty klutzy and someone will get hurt, maybe the Montreal Canadiens.
“So what do we have to do?” he asked. “Other than, you know, the obvious.”
“That’s it,” I answered, and show him Simone Jones Tyner’s blog. “Just have sex as much as we can.” I read the comment again. “With a partner. So I guess whacking off doesn’t count.”
“With a partner? Or with your partner?”
See? I told you he’s suspicious. I guess I’ve been talking a little too much about the college guys working summer jobs in my office.
“Your partner. Your husband or your wife. Boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever.” He demands further clarification from me. “With you, with you.” I said. “I’d be having sex with you.”
“But don’t we do that already?” he asked. Now he’s looking askance at Simone Jones Tyner’s blog. “It’s not much of a challenge to do something we’re already doing. It’s like taking a Breathing Challenge, or a Sleeping Challenge.”
“I think it has to do with the quantity,” I explained. “It would be like breathing or sleeping a whole lot.” He’s not convinced. “Or like eating a whole bunch of hot dogs,” I said, recalling the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. This year’s winner, Matt “MegaToad” Stonie beat Joey “Jaws” Chestnut by eating 62 hot dogs and buns in ten minutes on the Fourth of July.
“Do we have to sign up?” he asked
“No,” I said. “And we don’t get t-shirts, either, if that’s your next question.”
He turned quiet, but now he’s got me questioning the Summer of 2015 Sex Challenge.
“You know,” I said after a moment, “now that I think about it, there’s not much to this challenge. There’s no rules, no assignments, no t-shirts. It isn’t very challenging for something that’s called a challenge. There should be rules, and assignments, and t-shirts.”
Yes, there should be. Good luck!
2015 SUMMER SEX CHALLENGE RULES
- In order to qualify, all sexual events must occur in temperatures above ninety degrees with no air conditioning. Box or window fans, as well as attendants misting cool water from spray bottles, are permitted.
- Participants must wait for the starting pistol shot before commencing the sexual event.
- When a sexual event takes place out of doors, participants are required to wear sun block SPF 45 or higher, and sunglasses or a sun visor.
Condiments CondomsBoth condiments and condoms will be provided if desired.
- Participants who vomit within five minutes after a sexual event will be disqualified.
2015 SUMMER SEX CHALLENGE ASSIGNMENTS
- Chug blue raspberry Slurpees while having sex in or behind a Seven Eleven.
- With your partner, create a sexual tableau using a bowl of potato salad, an ear of buttered corn, a plastic sand bucket, and two sparklers (lit). Have sex within ten feet of your display, incorporating the lit sparklers into your love-making.
- Find an unlocked RV in the parking lot of a Walmart while the owners of the vehicle are away replenishing supplies for their cross country vacation. Have sex in the driver’s seat.
- Cover your partner in chocolate, marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs before having sex.
- Decide to visit a historic landmark or point of interest in some far away corner of your home state. Fight with your partner all the way there because he/she refuses to stop at rest areas or refuses to listen to your advice on directions, or both. Have very angry, very hot sex when you pull over to the side of the road after getting hopelessly lost.
And here are some graphics for that t-shirt I know you’re dying to wear.
Royalty free stock photos, including some of the images in this post, can be found at freeimages.com. I created that crappy slideshow in Powerpoint myself.