What We Talk About When We Talk on the Internet

I’ve been reading your blog and I’ve been wondering about something.

Some people eat cabbage when it isn’t even St. Patrick’s Day.

Remember that post you wrote about your grandmother’s cabbage rolls and how you’ve been trying to recreate that dish for your kids, but you haven’t been able to get it just right, and anyway, your kids hate cabbage, and now the house smells funny, and the UPS driver just gave you a dirty look when you opened the door to sign for a package?

Was that post really about cabbage rolls?

I didn’t think so.

The other day, I got an email that mentioned the “crazy, weirdo Moms post” I had written. For a moment, I thought my email friend had mixed me up with another blogger. “What crazy, weirdo Moms post?” I wondered. Then I realized the emailer meant this post, “The Mom Race.” “Oh!” I thought. “She thinks that post is about crazy, weirdo Moms.”

And just like your post about grandma’s cabbage rolls, I don’t think my post is about crazy, weirdo Moms. If you ask me, I might say that it’s about running (that was the topic I intended to write about when I began drafting the post), but, after seeing what I’ve written, I’ll probably say that post is about alienation.

But maybe I’m all wrong about that post. Maybe it is about crazy, weirdo Moms. If you read the comments on “The Mom Race,” you’ll see that more than a couple of other readers reacted similarly to the person who emailed me. So, I have to ask, is a blog post what the blogger thinks it’s about or is it what the reader experiences?

I’m going to say: it’s what the reader experiences. I say that not because I think I’m a crappy blogger who is unable to convey my feelings of isolation and instead can only make lame jokes about those whacky Moms and their kids and, for God’s sake, cancer. Ok, well, that’s not the only reason. I think it’s also because what we talk about when we talk on the Internet isn’t always what we mean.

Nothing in life is free. They’ll keep peeing on the kitchen floor until you buy that fancy cat food that you got one time by accident. That’s what it’s gonna cost you: 95¢ a can.

So as a public service, I’m providing a free translation of all (well, most) of the blog posts on the Internet which you can refer to as you slog through enjoy all the blogs you’re following.  For a nominal fee* I’ll even come over to your blog and translate your latest blog post.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Universal Blog Post Translator

What You Wrote	What You Meant
A Cabbage Rolls Recipe	My kids only eat chicken McNuggets and does the UPS man think I filled my house with farts?
The Mom Race	Good God, I’m insecure.
Top Ten Rules For Twitter	Would you assholes stop clogging up my feed with your bullshit? Also, follow me on Twitter.
A Book Review of a Book I Read	Look! I read a book!
The Whacky Things My Kids Do	My children are psychotic. Call 911.
The Crazy Stuff My Husband Does	I’m “this close” to hiring a divorce lawyer
My Dinner at Applebee’s	My life isn’t really this pathetic, I swear. Seriously, though, don’t order the cedar plank salmon.
Why I Love/Hate A Celebrity	Will this get me pageviews?
Why I Love/Hate My Body	Will this get me pageviews?
Sex	This will definitely get me page views.**

*an order of cheese fries.

**No, it won’t. I’ve been trying that schtick for years.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at freeimages.com.