It’s February and Valentine’s Day is about to spring on us, so let our talk turn to love, or at least what passes for love here at Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please:
A while ago, some girl some where was trying to get rid of some guy. She came up with a brilliant plan. She gave him a fake cell phone number and voila, he walked away happy and never bothered her again. How do I know this? Am I psychic, plagued by visions of the Philadelphia dating scene? No, I’m not psychic. You know that fake cell phone number the girl gave out? Turns out, that’s my real cell phone number.
Now, every few weeks, I receive a text like this one:
GM Miss Beautiful. How r u today? Emmanuel
Or this one:
Hello Beautiful Queen. Smiling w/ u on my mind. Emmanuel
My husband suggested I block the number.
I looked at him as if he had sprouted a second head.
“Why would I do that?” I asked.
The thing is, I kind of like getting these messages from Emmanuel, whoever he is, every so often.
“How come you never call me Beautiful Queen?” I ask my husband.
“Oh, would you just block that number already?” he responds.
It’s been over two years and two phones since I got the first message from Emmanuel, whoever he is. Some might think it’s sort of sad that he still hasn’t found true love, but I kind of admire his pluck and persistence, optimistically texting some girl he met some night when she couldn’t be bothered to give him her real number.
Last night he texted me, “Hey Miss Beautiful or Sexy choose both it fit u. How was your day Emmanuel” and I started to think Emmanuel, whoever he is, really needs some help with the ladies. I mean, his lame come-ons aren’t working, obvi. All he has to show for it is a fake cell phone number, which now has him sending a stream of unanswered texts to a 34-year old married mother of two.
So what would I tell Emmanuel, whoever he is? I think I’d start by recommending that if you like a girl, and you want to get her phone number, show her you’re interested in her by at least asking her name. While women do enjoy being called “Beautiful Queen” and “Miss Sexy” sometimes we just want to be called, you know, “Karen,” or whatever, just so we know you can tell us apart from all the other women you’re texting.
I’d also tell him to take it down a notch. Your first clue that you may be overdoing it is that you find yourself with a fake cell phone number in your Contacts. Sure, the girl might be a total skank who laughed with her skanky friends all night about the trick she played on hapless ol’ Emmanuel but then I remember this guy, Emmanuel, whoever he is, has been texting me for over two years without a response so I’m fairly certain where the problem lies in this case.
Even without my advice, I imagine there will come a day when I no longer get these occasional texts from Emmanuel, whoever he is. Perhaps a few months will go by and then I’ll remember, “Oh, yeah. Emmanuel. I wonder what happened to that guy.” I hope he’ll be with a nice girl, let’s call her Miss Beautiful, who he’s kissing every morning and happy to return to each night.
I also hope Miss Beautiful will be snooping through Emmanuel’s cell phone and making sure he’s still not texting me.
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