My Texting Valentine

It’s February and Valentine’s Day is about to spring on us, so let our talk turn to love, or at least what passes for love here at Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please:

A while ago, some girl some where was trying to get rid of some guy. She came up with a brilliant plan. She gave him a fake cell phone number and voila, he walked away happy and never bothered her again. How do I know this? Am I psychic, plagued by visions of the Philadelphia dating scene? No, I’m not psychic. You know that fake cell phone number the girl gave out? Turns out, that’s my real cell phone number.

Hello, hello? This is Emmanuel.

Hello, hello? This is Emmanuel.

Now, every few weeks, I receive a text like this one:

GM Miss Beautiful. How r u today? Emmanuel

Or this one:

Hello Beautiful Queen. Smiling w/ u on my mind. Emmanuel

My husband suggested I block the number.

I looked at him as if he had sprouted a second head.

“Why would I do that?” I asked.

The thing is, I kind of like getting these messages from Emmanuel, whoever he is, every so often.

“How come you never call me Beautiful Queen?” I ask my husband.

“Oh, would you just block that number already?” he responds.

It’s been over two years and two phones since I got the first message from Emmanuel, whoever he is. Some might think it’s sort of sad that he still hasn’t found true love, but I kind of admire his pluck and persistence, optimistically texting some girl he met some night when she couldn’t be bothered to give him her real number.

Last night he texted me, “Hey Miss Beautiful or Sexy choose both it fit u. How was your day Emmanuel” and I started to think Emmanuel, whoever he is, really needs some help with the ladies. I mean, his lame come-ons aren’t working, obvi. All he has to show for it is a fake cell phone number, which now has him sending a stream of unanswered texts to a 34-year old married mother of two.

So what would I tell Emmanuel, whoever he is? I think I’d start by recommending that if you like a girl, and you want to get her phone number, show her you’re interested in her by at least asking her name. While women do enjoy being called “Beautiful Queen” and “Miss Sexy” sometimes we just want to be called, you know, “Karen,” or whatever,  just so we know you can tell us apart from all the other women you’re texting.

I’d also tell him to take it down a notch. Your first clue that you may be overdoing it is that you find yourself with a fake cell phone number in your Contacts. Sure, the girl might be a total skank who laughed with her skanky friends all night about the trick she played on hapless ol’ Emmanuel but then I remember this guy, Emmanuel, whoever he is, has been texting me for over two years without a response so I’m fairly certain where the problem lies in this case.

Be Mine, Miss Sexy. Emmanuel

Be Mine, Miss Sexy. Emmanuel

Even without my advice, I imagine there will come a day when I no longer get these occasional texts from Emmanuel, whoever he is. Perhaps a few months will go by and then I’ll remember, “Oh, yeah. Emmanuel. I wonder what happened to that guy.” I hope he’ll be with a nice girl, let’s call her Miss Beautiful, who he’s kissing every morning and happy to return to each night.

I also hope Miss Beautiful will be snooping through Emmanuel’s cell phone and making sure he’s still not texting me.

Royalty-free stock photos, including the images in this post, can be found at freeimages.com.

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19 thoughts on “My Texting Valentine

  1. Trent Lewin says:

    This is as funny as it is sad… who is this guy? The ultimate romantic or the complete fool, and is there any difference between the two. I also admire his pluck, but seriously dude. Seriously. I am totally totally stealing this idea for a bit of fiction, it’s just too good to run across a person like this.

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    • Karen says:

      Glad this blog can finally serve as an inspiration for an activity (writing) that occurs above the waist . . .

      You know, when I first started receiving texts from this guy, I showed them to a co-worker who is either less cynical or more naive than I am and she said, “How do you know she gave him a fake number? Maybe her number is very similar to yours, and he’s off by one digit or something.”

      Now there’s a story. While I’ve been getting these missent texts these past two years, that girl is probably out there wondering why Emmanuel never called her.

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      • Petrossa says:

        that was the first thing came to my mind actually. Missed digits, or written on a napkin, a hand whatever. In the other instance (fake number) it would imply the woman in question was too weak to resist some nobody bothering her. I still have faith that women in general are quite capable handling unwanted requests for numbers. What’s your btw? 😉 🙂 🙂

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  2. Allie P. says:

    I’d like to think like your co-worker that he is actually having a conversation with the original lady and occasionally dials the wrong number. Let’s say he is just old school like that and doesn’t bother with an address book preferring to dial by memory, only he’s used the wrong number so many times it seems right when he looks at it. Then they meet up and he’ll say, girl, why don’t you ever return my texts? To which she’ll say, what text? Then he’ll curse his cellular plan. Nationwide coverage my @%(&. They’ll have a good laugh and his carrier will log another complaint.

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      • Belladonna Took says:

        This occurred to me to. OR … the texts might in fact be from your own secret admirer, Karen! Are you sure your husband doesn’t have a hidden romantic streak, and an equally hidden disposable phone?

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          • Belladonna Took says:

            Bummer. Funny how one just knows. My guy … well, he has great difficulty remembering when my birthday is. I tell him, “It’s not hard, it’s two days before Valentine’s Day!” He says, “So … when’s Valentine’s Day again?” He is SEVENTY YEARS OLD and he still doesn’t know the date. (And yes, old ladies with 70yo husbands would still like romance, occasionally.)

            Still hanging onto my theory that you have a secret admirer, though!

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    • Karen says:

      Like you, I’m really glad that I’m not out there dating at this point in history. I don’t think I could deal with all the dating apps, and the texting, and the expectation to share pics of my tatas and hooha.

      Liked by 1 person

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