How Many New Yorkers Voted for Bill De Blasio Because He Has the Power to Convert Lesbians?

I’m finally caught up with all the episodes of American Horror Story: Coven and I think (so far) it’s the best season ever.  I’m particularly enjoying the four young witches (Taissa Farmiga, Emma Roberts, Gabourey Sidige, Jamie Brewer) as they figure out how to use and control their witchy superpowers.

The show got me wondering if I were a witch what sort of superpower I would like to possess.

  • Would I want Zoe’s ability to cause fatal bleeding in her sexual partners?  If you’ve read this blog at all, you know my answer is a resounding “No.”  I’m still wondering what sort of benefit this power bestows, and why she didn’t jump off the nearest bridge as soon as she found out she had it (of course, if she did, that wouldn’t be a very interesting character arc for the show, I guess).
  • How about Madison’s telekinesis? I think this would be pretty good, mostly because it would make it easier to clean my kitchen.
  • I think I’ll pass on Queenie’s “human voodoo doll” ability.  Not sure I want to stick my arm in a vat of boiling oil, or slit my own throat, even if the effects of my act happen to someone else and I’m left unscathed.
  • I know I definitely don’t want Nan’s clairvoyance.  I’m happy to live my life blissfully ignorant of what everyone else in the world thinks of me, thank you very much.

There’s another superpower none of the characters on the show possess that I find myself wishing for: invisibility.  I wished I had this power way back in kindergarten when I wet my pants.  I would again wish for this power in junior high when Ms. Evangeliste caught me writing my initials and Robert Borchek’s inside a heart I drew on the desk of my fourth period science class.  And again in high school when I tripped and fell and gashed my chin while running onto the court to replace the Middle Blocker late in a volleyball game (there’s a reason why the coach kept me on the bench most of the season).  And again in my junior year in college when I walked in on my roommate and her boyfriend.  And again, last week, when I used the word “circumcised” when I meant the word “circumscribed” . . .

He's got to have a big dong, right?

One New York, Rising Together and Converting Lesbians

But perhaps the most powerful superpower of all is the one possessed by New York City’s mayor-elect Bill de Blasio.  Mr. de Blasio, you may have heard, is married to Chirlane McCray, a lovely woman who, way back in 1979, was so certain of her sexuality she penned a piece for Essence magazine titled, “I Am a Lesbian.”  Only it turned out not so much, because she married her husband in 1994 and had heterosexual sex at least two times, producing two children, and the de Blasios remain married to this day and, I assume, continue fucking having marital relations.

So if Bill de Blasio* can convert an avowed lesbian, a woman who didn’t just come out to a few friends and family, mind you, not a woman who “experimented” one crazy Friday night when she had few too many dirty martinis, but rather a woman who announced to all the world her sexual orientation in a national magazine, surely he’s the right man for the job of governing the Big Apple.

You can catch new episodes of American Horror Story: Coven Wednesdays at 10pm on FX.

*He’s also a fan of the 2013 World Champion Boston Red Sox, a fact which almost had me moving to NYC just to vote for him.


8 thoughts on “How Many New Yorkers Voted for Bill De Blasio Because He Has the Power to Convert Lesbians?

  1. bodycrimes says:

    My super power would be to split myself, so I could send one bodycrimes off to work. Actually, I’d have a couple out on different jobs. Another one could stay in bed. Another one could file tax reports. Problem is, we’d all fight over who got staying in bed reading novels privileges.


    • Karen says:

      Hmmm I dunno if the world could handle more than one of me. Plus, I’d probably get jealous of my other “selves” if my husband looked at them . . .


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