It’s September, So it’s Time to Go Back to Sex School

I probably should have gone to summer sex school.

I forgot. What am I supposed to do  when we’re naked?

For all of you who spent the summer lolling around in the pool, eating too much barbecue, and forgetting everything you learned, there is hope: the calendar has turned to September, and it’s time to go back to sex school.

Yes!  There are schools that teach you to be better at sex, instead of just fumbling along as a sexual idiot the rest of your life.  Usually they call the schools “salons” because that word conjures up images of soft music, pampering, and air perfumed with the scent of exotic flowers, while the word “schools” just conjures up images of Miss Bonito, who taught freshman English and was rumored to have been a semi pro football (Go Gators!) player prior to both a career and sex change.

I read all about sex salons in an article in The Telegraph titled, “Why Women are Going to Oral Sex Lessons.”  I came to the British newspaper’s site because I was reading a story about this guy, Daniel Cooper, who was arrested for having sex with a Land Rover until I realized there was no way I could make that story any funnier than it was (what part was he actually humping?  To my disappointment, the article did not say.  You know, the Land Rover is a pretty big vehicle, it’s not like he could mount it. Maybe he got underneath, and let the Land Rover do all the work, only occasionally slapping the split rear tailgate and saying “Oh, yeah, baby!” in that Austin Powers voice I imagine all Brits speak).  Anyway, here’s why women are going to oral sex lessons:

The ‘sex salon’, in its mainstream, populist form is very much a modern phenomenon, which salon coordinator Lauren Newman puts down to the rise in Mummy Porn, amongst other things: “The Salons are definitely growing in popularity. Part of this can probably be attributed to the success of Fifty Shades of Grey, Belle du Jour and writers like Caitlin Moran and the result is that people are talking more openly about sex than they were before. Women, in particular, are feeling more empowered to be sexy and also to dominate.”

So, it looks like we have Fifty Shades of Grey to blame for  all that is wrong in the world  the crisis in Syria why that guy fucked a Land Rover the emergence of sex salons.

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Land of the free, home of exceptional sexual imbeciles.

I can hear my American readers now thinking, “Oh, this is an article from an English newspaper, and this story is about English people.  Of course the English need to be taught about sex!  But not us red blooded Americans who are exceptional, and exceptionally sexy!”  But it turns out, we Americans are also sexual imbeciles, and would benefit from some organized instruction. Luckily, we have enterprising entrepreneurs like Kim Anami out there, selling her Sexual Savant Salons. While I am intrigued by such course titles as “The Well F**ked Woman” and “Vaginal Kung Fu (coming January 2014)”, I’m also cheap frugal, so I think I’ll just continue my sexual education by watching free porn on the internet.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

13 thoughts on “It’s September, So it’s Time to Go Back to Sex School

  1. Dylan Hearn says:

    I love your view of us Brits that you’ve picked up from our newspapers. You’ll be so disappointed if you ever visit. I don’t personally know of any sex salons, have never read 50 shades, and everybody knows that the best car to shag is an Audi TT. Just look at the curves…

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    • Karen says:

      I don’t think my view of Americans is any better (worse?) and I’m born and bred here, and have the innate exceptionalism to prove it! 😉

      Of course you’re not familiar with 50 Shades, or sex salons. You’re a man. One of the points the story in the Telegraph makes is that these classes are almost entirely populated by women, and that’s somehow sexist, implying that women are somehow responsible for a man’s sexual pleasure, while a man could care less. I don’t know if I agree with that. I think there are probably other reasons why a man would not attend a sex salon, and we can’t just blame it on another instance of sexual inequality.

      And I made out in a lot cars, so they’re all pretty sexy to me (at least the backseats are).

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    • Karen says:

      The first time I saw actual porn was on a boyfriend’s computer: free 15-30 second video clips compiled at some web site that I think was called “Easygirls” but I may have that name wrong. One of my pervy readers will no doubt write in to correct my failing memory.

      But yes, God bless it.

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      • Pucker Up Buttercup says:

        The first time I saw it was at the Pussycat Theater in Hollywood because VCRs were just becoming a “thing” a still too expensive for everyone to have and the internet hadn’t even been considered yet.

        Seriously, do you just look for ways to make me feel old? Next thing I know you’ll be saying your first vibrator wasn’t hand-cranked or you didn’t have to carve your own dildo out of wood. Sheesh!

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