Not So Secret Sex Lives

His penis is really small.

Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a swinger. So is your husband, by the way.

In case you were busy doing anything else something else on Saturday at 10/9 central, you may have missed the season premiere of Secret Sex Lives: Swingers on Discovery Fit & Health.  The title of the show is a bit of a misnomer, since I’m not sure how “secret” your sex life is when you’re being filmed for a reality television show, but I guess since they aren’t showing the actual sex acts, maybe that’s the part that’s secret?

The show is populated by the usual cast of degenerates characters.   There’s a southern Baptist woman, Rebecca, who apparently is so conflicted about her religious and sexual feelings that she agrees to appear on a reality TV show broadcasting the fact that she fucks a lot of people, both men and women, while her fiancé (soon-to-be reluctant husband) looks on.  I lost count of

God is watching.  And he doesn't like what you're doing one bit.

Thou shalt not swing.

how many Commandments she’s breaking mid way through the episode and that’s when she decided to receive “counseling” from a Baptist minister.  In a torturous dialogue with the poor guy, which you can view here, she appears to have believed there could be some sort of Biblical dispensation that might allow her to swing without having to say fifty Hail Marys afterward (or whatever Baptists do as penance.  I was raised Catholic, so what do I know?).  Alas, it was not to be, and her minister, who she was probably thinking about fucking during the entire conversation, wasn’t able to reconcile her sex life with any religion with which he was familiar. Maybe she can try Scientology?

Rebecca’s fiancé, Chris, is so committed to the “lifestyle” that he intends to swing on their honeymoon. Good fucking grief.  If I can’t hold my newlywed husband’s attention through a four night/three day discount vacation to Niagara Falls, I doubt if he’s going to respond to my requests to unload the fucking dishwasher for fuck’s sake if he wants to eat fucking dinner tonight, some ten or so years later.  So I don’t hold out much hope that Rebecca and Chris will be celebrating any golden anniversaries together.

There’s also the obligatory black couple, Dana and Loveless.  In addition to being black, the couple is also old.  And by old, I mean older than me, which puts them in their forties or so, I guess.  Loveless has gray hair flecking his goatee, so he probably has gray pubes, too–oh, wait, what am I thinking? Loveless’s privates are probably as bald as his head.  There is no way any one in this crowd is sporting any stray pubic hairs.

There’s also an Asian, Jaime, because why not get the entire UN involved?

The episode spends a lot of time showing the conversation at a “swinging party” the couples attend, exchanging bon mots as a prelude to fucking.  Did I say “bon mots”?  What I meant to say was “inane conversation that if you said anywhere else other than on a reality tv show about swinging would get you kicked in the crotch and/or arrested.”  The witty repartee that is intended to charm the pants off the other party goers includes questions like: “What sexual positions do you like?” as well as comments like “We were just talking about tit fucking.”  The good bits dirty words, of course, are bleeped out for the television audience (in case any little kids might be watching?), and  I guess no one cares enough to chat about the escalating situation in Syria, or the Red Sox drive to the playoffs, or how much their boss sucks, and they mainly are stuck on the topic of sex, like a phonograph needle skipping on the scratch in an old LP.  I like to talk about sex as much as anyone else, but I’d rather that conversation take place after you’ve bought me dinner, told me my hair looks nice, and we’re alone, and not with three other couples ready for a spirited game of Round Robin.

The party conversation got me wondering what a married man might say to convince me to sleep with him.  I decided it might be something like, “I have less than 24 hours to live and it’s my last wish to have sex with a tall, dorky blonde.  Are you game?”  Or maybe even, “Your husband is cheating on you.  How about a little revenge sex with me?” Still, upon hearing either one of those offers, I’m more likely to burst into tears than jump onto the nearest penis.

You can see future episodes of Secret Sex Lives: Swingers  every Saturday, 10/9c on Discovery Fit & Health.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

14 thoughts on “Not So Secret Sex Lives

  1. bunny48 says:

    That show sounds interesting. If I can find it, I may watch it. My almost Ex is now on sex dating sites posting that he is into Swinging however with what we did, you couldn’t prove it by me. He was way to tame with just us together. Although, I do admit being married and committed (or at least I was), I did not want other people involved. Seriously! That’s totally wrong!!!!

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    • Karen says:

      Good grief, if I wrote anything in this post that led you to believe the show was interesting, I take it back.

      I’ve watched (and blogged about) shows like this before. The people are never interesting, and the show never explores the ideas that interest me, like why is monogamy so difficult, how do these people handle jealousy, how do they display their commitment to their partner if it’s not through sexual fidelity . . . There’s a million more questions I have, not the least of which is whether or not one partner isn’t always coercing the other into this “lifestyle.”

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    • Karen says:

      Thanks. I think a lot about monogamy and marital fidelity, and I guess I’m fascinated by the brazenness of these folks, just screwing around right in front of each other. Somehow, it doesn’t seem natural. If we’re going to cheat on our spouses, we should be sneaky and furtive about it, the way God intended. 😉

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      • Pucker Up Buttercup says:

        If gray pubes send you running screaming into the night, here’s something else that will keep you awake. Just like women, men’s skin loses elasticity as they age. This includes the their ballsack skin, causing it to stretch as gravity pulls their nads toward the earth. My Ex, who once worked in a retirement home, said that occasionally the water in the toilets would have to be lowered to prevent the old guys from teabagging the bowl when they sat down. And we think having to get a more supportive bra is tough …

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  2. C~ says:

    like why is monogamy so difficult – Monogamy is not difficult, but it can be really boring. Who wants to be bored if they don’t have to?

    how do these people handle jealousy – Swingers handle jealousy the same way other people handle jealousy, with screaming fits of rage and long talks to sort it out.

    how do they display their commitment to their partner if it’s not through sexual fidelity – I can’t answer this for all swingers but my husband show his commitment to me in a million small ways everyday that have nothing to do with sex. He does the laundry, he helps the kids with homework and picks up/drops off my children and/or their friends at a million various activities, he fixes my bra straps, he holds me tight when I need to cry, he tells me he’s proud of me when I’ve done something good, he takes me to doctor appts when I can’t drive myself and he rubs my back and neck when migraines hit… I could go on and on and on about the millions of little ways that he shows me he is committed to me (and the ways that I show I am just as committed to him) that have nothing to do with sex.

    . . . There’s a million more questions I have, not the least of which is whether or not one partner isn’t always coercing the other into this “lifestyle.” – I can say that in MY relationship, there is no coercion in any form but I do see forms of this with some partners that we’ve met, we try to stay far, far away from those people.

    Swinging isn’t a lifestyle that if right for every couple. It requires really good communication (really hard for a lot of couples) and a whole lot of trust! In order to maintain a swinging lifestyle, a couple has to have a desire to see their partner pleasured by other partners. A strong, true sexual desire to see and be seen having intercourse with other people will force a person to really confront their jealous feelings and learn how to deal with them and overcome. In my personal opinion, a swinging couple is most fun and successful when both people are able to truly separate sex from love.

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