In case you were busy doing
anything else something else on Saturday at 10/9 central, you may have missed the season premiere of Secret Sex Lives: Swingers on Discovery Fit & Health. The title of the show is a bit of a misnomer, since I’m not sure how “secret” your sex life is when you’re being filmed for a reality television show, but I guess since they aren’t showing the actual sex acts, maybe that’s the part that’s secret?
The show is populated by the usual cast of
degenerates characters. There’s a southern Baptist woman, Rebecca, who apparently is so conflicted about her religious and sexual feelings that she agrees to appear on a reality TV show broadcasting the fact that she fucks a lot of people, both men and women, while her fiancé (soon-to-be reluctant husband) looks on. I lost count of
how many Commandments she’s breaking mid way through the episode and that’s when she decided to receive “counseling” from a Baptist minister. In a torturous dialogue with the poor guy, which you can view here, she appears to have believed there could be some sort of Biblical dispensation that might allow her to swing without having to say fifty Hail Marys afterward (or whatever Baptists do as penance. I was raised Catholic, so what do I know?). Alas, it was not to be, and her minister, who she was probably thinking about fucking during the entire conversation, wasn’t able to reconcile her sex life with any religion with which he was familiar. Maybe she can try Scientology?
Rebecca’s fiancé, Chris, is so committed to the “lifestyle” that he intends to swing on their honeymoon. Good fucking grief. If I can’t hold my newlywed husband’s attention through a four night/three day discount vacation to Niagara Falls, I doubt if he’s going to respond to my requests to unload the fucking dishwasher for fuck’s sake if he wants to eat fucking dinner tonight, some ten or so years later. So I don’t hold out much hope that Rebecca and Chris will be celebrating any golden anniversaries together.
There’s also the obligatory black couple, Dana and Loveless. In addition to being black, the couple is also old. And by old, I mean older than me, which puts them in their forties or so, I guess. Loveless has gray hair flecking his goatee, so he probably has gray pubes, too–oh, wait, what am I thinking? Loveless’s privates are probably as bald as his head. There is no way any one in this crowd is sporting any stray pubic hairs.
There’s also an Asian, Jaime, because why not get the entire UN involved?
The episode spends a lot of time showing the conversation at a “swinging party” the couples attend, exchanging bon mots as a prelude to fucking. Did I say “bon mots”? What I meant to say was “inane conversation that if you said anywhere else other than on a reality tv show about swinging would get you kicked in the crotch and/or arrested.” The witty repartee that is intended to charm the pants off the other party goers includes questions like: “What sexual positions do you like?” as well as comments like “We were just talking about tit fucking.” The
good bits dirty words, of course, are bleeped out for the television audience (in case any little kids might be watching?), and I guess no one cares enough to chat about the escalating situation in Syria, or the Red Sox drive to the playoffs, or how much their boss sucks, and they mainly are stuck on the topic of sex, like a phonograph needle skipping on the scratch in an old LP. I like to talk about sex as much as anyone else, but I’d rather that conversation take place after you’ve bought me dinner, told me my hair looks nice, and we’re alone, and not with three other couples ready for a spirited game of Round Robin.
The party conversation got me wondering what a married man might say to convince me to sleep with him. I decided it might be something like, “I have less than 24 hours to live and it’s my last wish to have sex with a tall, dorky blonde. Are you game?” Or maybe even, “Your husband is cheating on you. How about a little revenge sex with me?” Still, upon hearing either one of those offers, I’m more likely to burst into tears than jump onto the nearest penis.
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