I may be the last woman on earth who has never faked an orgasm. I actually considered doing it one time (please, just stop, already!) but then decided against it because I didn’t think I could pull it off. I’m not much of an actress and I’m also the world’s worst liar, which may explain why my legal career never took off.
In the third grade, I had a supporting role in The Littlest Christmas Tree as the medium-sized Christmas tree. I think I had more stage time, but not as many lines, as the large-sized Christmas tree, but, of course, as you may have guessed, the real star of that show was the littlest Christmas tree.
Fast forward to high school where I did not audition for any theater productions but found my niche running cross country and playing volleyball. I wasn’t any better at sports than I was at acting, but it’s way easier to land a spot on the bench than on the stage when your high school is full of girls (81%) and gay guys (47%). Ok, I’m making those percentages up, but what other reason could there be that Peter Wallinger didn’t ask me out? He had to be gay.
So why am I thinking about orgasms and acting? I just read this question a reader sent in to Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s syndicated column.
Q: I am unable to have an orgasm with my husband. We have been together for 13 years, and I’ve been faking it for that long.
Good God, this woman deserves a lifetime achievement Academy Award for maintaining this ruse for so long. You think faking orgasms would have fallen by the wayside in a marriage after that long, like wearing nice underwear and closing the bathroom door. At a certain point, don’t you just stop caring? And I’d love to be the attorney handling that divorce.
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife: You’ve never made me climax, not once in thirteen years!
Soon-to-be-Ex-Husband: What? You came every time!
Soon-to-be-Ex-Husband: I’ve been bragging to all my buddies for years about how great I am in bed and how horny you are!
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife: And tell your friends to stop calling me!
I think I never got into the habit of faking orgasms because I didn’t know that I wasn’t having them when I first started having sex. Like, you don’t know what you don’t know, right? So I would lie there afterwards and wonder if I’d actually had an orgasm. I mean, sex felt good, so maybe what I was experiencing was an orgasm? Could this be what everyone has been going on and on about? If so, color me unimpressed, I remember thinking.
Then, during my junior year in college, I dated this guy Mitch who was a graduate student and had a bushy blonde mustache that tickled when we kissed. We had been interrupted by one of his roommates while making out on the saggy futon in his apartment one night so instead of going back to his place after our next date, he drove his Honda Civic to a spot near the Schuylkill and we watched the moonlight reflect off the river’s surface.
And I found out what everyone had been going on and on about.
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