The Key to Monogamy is Cooking a Really Good Chicken Piccata

You'll never get me out of this scarf and hat!

I’d love to have sex! Oh, wait.  Do you mean with you again?

As a long time practitioner of monogamy (10 years.  OMG, ten years!), I recognize that there comes a point when the response to the sexual advances of your partner changes from “Again!  Again! Again!” to “Oh, no, not again.  I wonder if I can fool him into thinking I’m asleep if I fake snore.”

I’ve spent a lot of time on this blog considering the issue of desire, and I have a peculiar particular fascination with the concept of polyamory, which I’ve written about in an embarrassing number of posts for a married lady.  At least, I should be embarrassed, but I have no shame.  Anyway, a quick search of this blog will show that I wrote about polyamory in Surviving Polyandry and in The Pros and Cons of Polygamy and Turkey Leftovers and in Polyamory: Married and Dating.  My interest in polyamory doesn’t stem from the fact that I want to participate in a triad or a quatrain* or a quintuplet** or sextet (get it, sextet?) or an octane***, but rather because I’d like to know if monogamy inevitably leads to monotony.

Let me add that while the idea of seeing the sexy UPS driver out of his brown uniform holds a certain appeal for me, the thought of my husband with another woman turns me into a feral beast who growls and hisses and is ready to claw out the eyes of any female who wanders too close to him.  He’s mine and while I don’t always want to have sex with him, I don’t want him to have sex with anyone else, either.

So polyamory is not a viable option for my relationship and I’ll have to look elsewhere to figure out this whole passion thing.  While I’m looking, I often find myself reading marital self help articles, like this one at Salon.com, titled The Key To Monogamy.  Ah, a key!  Just what I need.  I read on, and here are some suggestions for keeping the passion in your marriage.

  1. Maintain distance
  2. Put sex on the calendar
  3. Validate your own damn self
  4. Open Eyes Sex
  5. Candor and Caring

I can vouch for 1. Maintain distance.  While I was attending law school, my husband received a fellowship that required him to temporarily relocate to another state and we lived apart for about six months.  We saw each other most weekends and all I have to say about that is this: Best. Sex. Ever.

Always fuck the guy with the nicest car.

The key to monogamy is parking validation.

The other four tips are so much bullshit, especially number 3.  I’ve read that bit five times now, and I have no idea what it means, other than whenever anyone uses the word “validate” all I can think of is parking garages (yes, I’m a city girl).  I don’t think the author is talking about that sort of validation here, but she might as well be.

Get oil changed.  Pick up dry cleaning.  Have sex.  Defrost hamburger.

The key to monogamy is treating sex like a tedious chore.

I’m particularly mystified by the idea of scheduling sex, as though adding fucking to my long list of To Do’s will somehow get my engine revving.  Part of the fun of sex is when it springs on you spontaneously, so that I’m left wondering if that rerun of Justified was particularly arousing or if he just really enjoyed the chicken piccata I served for dinner.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG

*not a sexual dynamic, a quatrain is a poem or stanza of four lines.

**also not a sexual dynamic, a quintuplet is one of five children born to a mother all at the same time.

***octane is a rating of gasoline.  Not a sexual dynamic.


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7 thoughts on “The Key to Monogamy is Cooking a Really Good Chicken Piccata

  1. Katie says:

    Open eyes sex is so creepy. If that’s your natural thing, fine, but nothing’s creepier than fighting to keep your eyes open to maintain the “connection.”

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    • Karen says:

      Well, um, I don’t think they mean for it to turn into a staring contest (unless that’s your thing), but it has crossed my mind when I’ve been having the sexy times with a guy who has his eyes closed that he’s thinking about someone else (because I’m crazy insecure like that).

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  2. Jeri Walker-Bickett (@JeriWB) says:

    My hubby is gone often four days out of the week, so it really is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder… and lonelier 😉

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    • Karen says:

      Wait, when you say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” you really mean “absence makes the Best. Sex. Ever.” don’t you? 😉

      There probably would be no divorce in this country if husbands and wives didn’t insist on living together . . .

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