This article, Homemade Sex Toys, over on the Cosmopolitan website, has got me examining all the odds and ends lying around my house in order to imagine how I might repurpose (to use that particularly annoying buzzword) them for my sexual gratification.
For example, did you know you could transform simple teaspoons into sex toys merely by chilling them in your freezer and then ‘swirl(ing) them around his genitals’? No need for fancy vibrators, or rings or plugs, just open up your silverware drawer and unzip his pants.
Or how about that hairbrush that is just sitting idly in the bathroom? Put it to work paddling your partner.
(See, I was thinking you would use the hairbrush to give your partner a snazzy new hairstyle to make him/her more attractive, but I guess that paddling thing works for some people, too.)
And the vacuum cleaner, you know the one that spews more dust into the air than it picks up, and can’t seem to remove that crumbled Ritz cracker from the carpet no matter how many times you run it over? Don’t put it out on the curb on trash day. Instead, fire it up and apply it to your clitoris. (I’m not making this up! Go over there and read the article!) By the end of the night, you’ll either rejoice/regret the decision to buy the Electrolux “8 Cyclone” Power Flex Deep Clean Canister Vac.
I’m all in favor of doing things yourself and I’ve been waging a long battle with my children to convince them that my homemade Oreo cookies (Home-Reos) are better than the store bought ones (I’m winning so far only because they can’t drive themselves to the supermarket) which has me thinking that I might be turning into Eddie Murphy’s mother.
Still, I have to wonder if jerry-rigging your own sex toys is taking things a bit too far. I know the economy is tough, but are we really that desperate that we can’t fork over $20 for a genuine pocket rocket, and instead have to make do with an electric toothbrush? It just seems, I don’t know, so sleazy. Which surprises me, because generally I like things sleazy, as far as sex goes.
On the other hand, it does sort of appeal to me, as I am
cheap frugal. And who needs fancy schmancy cherry-flavored lube, anyway? I’m sure I’ve got an old tube of ChapStick around here somewhere.
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