I Don’t Think I’m Handy Enough to Make Do-It-Yourself Sex Toys

This article, Homemade Sex Toys, over on the Cosmopolitan website, has got me examining all the odds and ends lying around my house in order to imagine how I might repurpose (to use that particularly annoying buzzword) them for my sexual gratification.

I was going to eat my Cheerios with that!

You did what with this spoon?!?

For example, did you know you could transform simple teaspoons into sex toys merely by chilling them in your freezer and then ‘swirl(ing) them around his genitals’?  No need for fancy vibrators, or rings or plugs, just open up your silverware drawer and unzip his pants.

Or how about that hairbrush that is just sitting idly in the bathroom?  Put it to work paddling your partner.

(See, I was thinking you would use the hairbrush to give your partner a snazzy new hairstyle to make him/her more attractive, but I guess that paddling thing works for some people, too.)

And the vacuum cleaner, you know the one that spews more dust into the air than it picks up, and can’t seem to remove that crumbled Ritz cracker from the carpet no matter how many times you run it over?  Don’t put it out on the curb on trash day.  Instead, fire it up and apply it to your clitoris. (I’m not making this up!  Go over there and read the article!) By the end of the night, you’ll either rejoice/regret the decision to buy the Electrolux “8 Cyclone” Power Flex Deep Clean Canister Vac.

I’m all in favor of doing things yourself and I’ve been waging a long battle with my children to convince them that my homemade Oreo cookies (Home-Reos) are better than the store bought ones (I’m winning so far only because they can’t drive themselves to the supermarket) which has me thinking that I might be turning into Eddie Murphy’s mother.

Multitasker.

Multitasker.

Still, I have to wonder if jerry-rigging your own sex toys is taking things a bit too far.  I know the economy is tough, but are we really that desperate that we can’t fork over $20 for a genuine pocket rocket, and instead have to make do with an electric toothbrush?  It just seems, I don’t know, so sleazy.  Which surprises me, because generally I like things sleazy, as far as sex goes.

On the other hand, it does sort of appeal to me, as I am cheap frugal.  And who needs fancy schmancy cherry-flavored lube, anyway?  I’m sure I’ve got an old tube of ChapStick  around here somewhere.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

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16 thoughts on “I Don’t Think I’m Handy Enough to Make Do-It-Yourself Sex Toys

  1. Karen says:

    And here’s a recipe for “Oreo” Cookies, from the food network.

    For the Dough:

    1 1/3 cups Dutch-process cocoa powder
    1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
    1/4 teaspoon salt
    2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
    2 cups granulated sugar
    2 large eggs
    1 teaspoon vanilla extract

    For the Filling:

    1 stick unsalted butter, softened
    1/2 cup vegetable shortening
    3 cups confectioners’ sugar, sifted
    1 teaspoon vanilla extract

    Directions

    Prepare the dough: Sift together the cocoa powder, flour and salt in a large bowl.

    Using a mixer, cream the butter and sugar. Add the eggs one at a time, then the vanilla, incorporating each ingredient before adding the next. Add the dry ingredients and mix just until incorporated, scraping the bottom of the bowl with a rubber spatula.

    Divide the dough into 2 pieces; place one piece between 2 lightly floured sheets of parchment paper and roll into a 1/4-inch-thick rectangle. Repeat with the other piece of dough. Refrigerate both rectangles, covered with the parchment sheets, until firm, at least 1 hour or up to several days.

    Using a 2-inch round cutter, cut the dough into 64 circles. (You can reroll the scraps once.) Place the cookies about 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheets and chill for 20 minutes. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

    Bake the cookies until they are set and slightly darker around the edges, about 20 minutes. Cool completely on wire racks.

    Meanwhile, prepare the filling: Using a mixer, cream the butter and shortening until fluffy. Beat in the confectioners’ sugar and vanilla.

    Flip half of the cookies upside down and top each with 1 level tablespoon of filling. Press the remaining cookies on top to make sandwiches.

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    • Karen says:

      Oh, gosh! It was my Bible in my late teens, early 20s! And now I only look at it when I’m stumped for a blog topic. 😉 The humor practically writes itself!

      Now I look at it and every article is (unintentionally) funny. I mean, really, Cosmo? Some editor over there approved a story that encourages the use of a vacuum cleaner as a sex toy? After reading this piece, I can’t shake the image from my head of a couple trying to have the sexy time, with the guy coming at the woman with the business end of a Hoover.

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      • Michelle at The Green Study says:

        I remember sitting around in the Army with my buddies doing the last Cosmo quiz, but now I can’t look at it without being somewhat disgusted and bemused. I really love it when my 9 year old points out some asinine or vulgar title in the checkout lane.

        Just wait for the lawsuits and emergency room visits. I hope the directions were specific.

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    • Karen says:

      I know! I was just discussing the spoon thing with someone, and we decided men probably feel the same sense of dread with an ice cold spoon coming at them as women would feel with a vacuum cleaner aimed between their legs.

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    • Karen says:

      lol! I haven’t tried it, but I’m thinking it’s probably the canister model you need to use, right? With the long hose? But, good golly, the image of a couple trying this with a freaking upright is priceless!

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