Since I’m weak willed and immoral and American, I did not save myself for my wedding night, and instead lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend, Keith, in a cheesy hotel room after our senior prom. Now if I were born in the city of Chennai, India, instead of New Haven, Connecticut, I might have kept my legs clamped together that night. Let me explain.
Here in the U.S. we’re currently waiting for our Supreme Court to decide whether or not the definition of marriage should include partners of the same sex, but over in India, the Madras Court (which I believe is comparable to a U.S. federal district court, though don’t quote me on that. Needless to say, my hazy understanding of the Indian court system will prevent me from representing you should you get pulled over on a DUI in Mumbai) considered a much more radical concept: does premarital sex equal marriage?
And the answer is, Yes! Premarital sex equals marriage! So you don’t need an actual ceremony, you don’t need to invoke the fire God Agni to bear witness to your union, or the Seven Steps, or even get your fancy sari back from the dry cleaners.
Now you don’t have to bother with any of that stuff. You can just have sex, and, voila! you are married. Justice C.S. Karnan explains
The marriage formalities …viz, tying of thaali, exchange of garlands and finger rings, circling around the matrimonial fire pit or registering of marriage… are only to comply with religious customs for the satisfaction of society. However, if any couple, subject to their attaining the mandatory age of freedom, indulge in sexual gratification, that would be considered a valid marriage,” the judge ruled.
The ruling got me thinking about all the premarital sex (a term which I guess is an oxymoron now in India) I had. Not that I had a lot of premarital sex. I had some premarital sex. Maybe more than you, maybe less. Definitely less than some of the perverts who read this blog. I mean, how many people are there out there Googling “Best Places to Have Public Sex” every freaking single day (and being sorely disappointed when their results send them to this blog, and this post, The Best Place to Have Sex in Public (and not get caught) Is to Have Sex in Private)? And the ruling also got me thinking about how that long ago night when I lost my virginity might have gone, if I lived in Chennai, India.
High School Boyfriend Keith: You know, we’re married now.
High School Boyfriend Keith: Yes, there was a court ruling.
Me: How come no one told me about this?
High School Boyfriend Keith: Oh, it’s just another one of those things we say, or don’t say, to get women to have sex with us. If you knew about it you wouldn’t have slept with me. Kinda like why I told you I knew what I was doing tonight.
Me: Yeah, I figured about midway through you didn’t have a clue.
High School Boyfriend Keith: And that part about my penis being really big.
Me: (sitting bold upright) Wait! You mean your penis isn’t big?
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