What if You Had to Marry the First Person You Had Sex With?

This was also the sign hanging on the forehead of that gorgeous electrician I also had premarital sex with some years later.  Did I mention he was gorgeous, in that way that only people who are dumber than a box of hammers often are.

The sign hanging outside the hotel and also over my vagina at the beginning of that night.

Since I’m weak willed and immoral and American, I did not save myself for my wedding night, and instead lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend, Keith, in a cheesy hotel room after our senior prom.  Now if I were born in the city of Chennai, India, instead of New Haven, Connecticut, I might have kept my legs clamped together that night.  Let me explain.

Here in the U.S. we’re currently waiting for our Supreme Court to decide whether or not the definition of marriage should include partners of the same sex, but over in India, the Madras Court (which I believe is comparable to a U.S. federal district court, though don’t quote me on that.  Needless to say, my hazy understanding of the Indian court system will prevent me from representing you should you get pulled over on a DUI in Mumbai) considered a much more radical concept: does premarital sex equal marriage?

And the answer is, Yes!  Premarital sex equals marriage!  So you don’t need an actual ceremony, you don’t need to invoke the fire God Agni to bear witness to your union, or the Seven Steps, or even get your fancy sari back from the dry cleaners.

Now you don’t have to bother with any of that stuff.  You can just have sex, and, voila! you are married.  Justice C.S. Karnan explains

The marriage formalities …viz, tying of thaali, exchange of garlands and finger rings, circling around the matrimonial fire pit or registering of marriage…  are only to comply with religious customs for the satisfaction of  society. However, if any couple, subject to their attaining the mandatory age of freedom, indulge in sexual gratification, that would be considered a valid marriage,” the judge ruled.

You'll have to find another internet site to wank to.

“Dear Ms. Blogger,
Your blog is very deceptive, and I consider it to be false advertising . . .”

The ruling got me thinking about all the premarital sex (a term which I guess is an oxymoron now in India) I had.  Not that I had a lot of premarital sex.  I had some premarital sex.  Maybe more than you, maybe less.  Definitely less than some of the perverts who read this blog.  I mean, how many people are there out there Googling “Best Places to Have Public Sex” every freaking single day (and being sorely disappointed when their results send them to this blog, and this post, The Best Place to Have Sex in Public (and not get caught) Is to Have Sex in Private)?  And the ruling also got me thinking about how that long ago night when I lost my virginity might have gone, if I lived in Chennai, India.

High School Boyfriend Keith:  You know, we’re married now.

Me: What???

High School Boyfriend Keith: Yes, there was a court ruling.

Me: How come no one told me about this?

High School Boyfriend Keith: Oh, it’s just another one of those things we say, or don’t say, to get women to have sex with us.  If you knew about it you wouldn’t have slept with me.  Kinda like why I told you I knew what I was doing tonight.

Me: Yeah, I figured about midway through you didn’t have a clue.

High School Boyfriend Keith: And that part about my penis being really big.

Me:  (sitting bold upright) Wait!  You mean your penis isn’t big?

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

15 thoughts on “What if You Had to Marry the First Person You Had Sex With?

  1. Karen says:

    You can read more about Hindu weddings here, and while I’m not Hindu, I’m kind of envious of the elaborate rituals of their ceremony, as opposed to the rituals of an American wedding, which involve mostly buying a really expensive dress I’m never going to wear again, eating rubbery chicken, and then hoping the DJ doesn’t play the Macarena.


    • Karen says:

      Hah! For me, the truly horrifying part of this is that I would wind up being married to someone *before* I found how they were in bed. Talk about buyers remorse . . .


  2. stillstrange says:

    Despite how my life is now, I believe my first boyfriend may have gone another direction (so to speak) so I’m glad we didn’t marry. Although, at least that would be a reasonable excuse.


    • Karen says:

      Oh, boy that’s got to sting (marrying some guy who “goes in the other direction”), so glad to hear you escaped that relationship.

      Although, a coworker once told me that gay men make good husbands because after a few years the passion fades, but companionship lasts forever.

      If I want companionship, I’ll get a cat.


  3. Gus Sanchez says:

    If I would have married the first person I had sex with, I would have married a woman who promised me no other woman would love me the way she would, while cheating on me in a serial fashion. Yay for me.


    • Karen says:

      Are you sure you heard her right? Maybe she said “No other woman will love as many other men as I do.” And by “love” she meant “screw.”

      Sounds like most of us dodged a bullet with our first sex love.


      • Gus Sanchez says:

        I’m sure I didn’t hear her right. I was too busy being distracted by the size of her breasts, and the too frequent sex we were having to not realize she was cheating on me.


  4. Dagny says:

    I am only waiting to the Supreme Court to give a ruling supporting this and then the goose of the future generation will be well and truly cooked. But maybe it would help them keep things locked away until ‘authorized’ use.


    • Karen says:

      I don’t believe the U.S. will ever see a ruling declaring act(s) of premarital sex a de facto marriage, mostly because we already have a whole mess of laws that require parents to financially support their children, whether or not the kids are the result of a marital relationship.

      That’s really what this ruling was about, not so much the premarital sex part, but this a humor blog, not a legal one, so I focused on the funny, sexy, part of the ruling.

      I am totally ignorant of Indian law, but I suspect this ruling supersedes existing law in that country that required support payments only for children that resulted from a formally recognized marriage.

      And I’m all in favor of the unauthorized use of our good bits, as long as it’s safe and legal. Just like I wouldn’t buy a used car without kicking the tires, I don’t think anyone should get married without, um, kicking the tires.


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