eHarmony for the Stars

Do you ever wish you were the sort of person who inspired lovers to write bad poetry or even worse love songs (using only the chords A, C and D major, because that’s all they’d learned so far)? I’m talking about Taylor Swift, of course, who turns out to be just that sort of woman now that John Mayer has released his new single, Paper Doll, which is rumored to be about his fling with the pop-country singer.  Here’s the bizarre video featuring the song (and also prancercise and romancercise.  I’m not sure I’d want to date, let alone fuck, a guy who would make a video like this, but I’ve never been much of a fan of Mayer’s own particular brand of wuss rock anyway).

Anyway, unlike Taylor Swift, no one ever wrote a song about me.   I either did not inspire the sort of passion that provokes men to create, well, um, art, I guess you’d call it, or I was attracted to the sort of men (mostly hard science majors and middling athletes) who were more likely to go off and heal their heart by logging extra time in the lab observing rats or swim a few more laps at the gym than spend their girlfriend-less free time composing music lyrics.

Turnabout is fairplay, I guess, and Taylor Swift certainly mined the failed relationship with Mayer for her own song, “Dear John,” which I wrote about in the post Remind Me Not to Date Taylor Swift, so she can’t complain too much about Mayer going over the same territory.

I’m not sure if Mayer ever wrote a song about his other famous ex, Jennifer Aniston, but she also has recently been in the news, having called off her wedding to Justin Theroux.  Am I the only one who thinks that every relationship Aniston has is fake, and only designed to promote her career?  As someone who rocked the Rachel back in high school, I’ve always had a soft spot for her, but I don’t think I’ve responded to any of her relationships with more than an eye roll ever since she split with Brad Pitt.

And why do these actors and singers always wind up dating other actors and singers?  Don’t they know relationships with show business types are doomed?  Why aren’t they dating an accountant, or that cutie they bumped into at the laundromat, or the weird guy who always sat in the back of Intro to Poli Sci but turned out to have a really good sense of humor and a big penis?  Is there some sort of eHarmony for the Stars that we regular folks don’t know about, but where they can go and post their profiles in order to hook up with other famous people?

Grammy Award winning singer seeks soulmate-No bitches, please

Me: handsome, talented, famous, successful

You: gorgeous, talented, famous, doesn’t have to be as successful as me, but successful enough that I don’t always have to pick up the check

Looking for a brief relationship with the right woman to share good times, maybe attend some award ceremonies and movie premieres.  Must be able to hold a pose for the paparazzi, and enjoy being the subject of tabloid articles, as well as being stalked by the producers of TMZ.  You will be required to sign an agreement which allows me to use our relationship as fodder for my musical career.


7 thoughts on “eHarmony for the Stars

  1. Clever Girl says:

    wtf? That video is bizarre, not funny at all. I’m not a fan of John Mayer either. What I don’t get is what these ladies ever saw in him? Do you? I can’t figure it out, he’s got all the personality of a poached egg (read: bland).


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