I’ll Never Be a Member of the Mile High Club

I haven’t flown for a number of years because having children ruins not only your sex life, but also your travel plans.  Anyway, I used to fly regularly for work, enough so that if I never step onto an airplane again it will be too soon.  Why the airlines continue to ratchet up the level of discomfort their customers must experience is beyond me, unless all airline executives are hired from an employment firm that specializes in providing sadistic bosses.  I imagine the folks who run these companies get together for weekly meetings to devise new torture.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

How are we going to have sex in here now???

Evil Airline Executive #1:  Let’s take away their electronic devices!  They’re all addicted to their smart pads and their robot phones and if we prohibit them from using them during flights, they’ll suffer brutal withdrawal symptoms before their fight to Albuquerque even takes off! (Curbs on In Flight Use of Devices Under Pressure)

Evil Airline Executive #2:  Let’s make the seats smaller! (Airline Passengers’ Complaints Rising as Seats Get Smaller)

Evil Airline Executive #3:  Let’s make the bathrooms smaller! (Some Delta Onboard Loos Get Smaller)

Is it me, or does it seem like airline employees really are determined to make the experience even more miserable than it already is?  Witness two recent news stories, Mom says flight attendant ‘humiliated’ her for using breast pump in the air and Man Sues Airline Over Soda Spat.

Now I realize both “victims” in these stories are pussies overly sensitive, and they’re probably just filing nuisance lawsuits in an effort to squeeze a few thousand dollars out of the airlines, but why do the airlines leave themselves open to this sort of litigiousness?  What kind of training do airline attendants receive that tells them it’s ok to get into a confrontation with a mother over the use of a breast pump, and to argue with a passenger over a can of Coke?  I realize the guy with the soda was being a total dick, but someone needs to explain to me how the flight crew reconciles in their own brains that the electronic ordering console embedded in a seat back will not bring down the entire flight with its use, and yet a Medela breast pump will.  And when does being a dick customer (I’ve been a waitress, so I know from dick customers) mean a person should be detained by a small army (eight officers arrived to question Soda Guy when the flight landed) of government agents?

The Tsarnaev's considered a breast pump, but eventually settled on a pressure cooker packed with explosives.

Weapons of Mass Destruction

I nursed both my daughters, so I really sympathize with the pain and discomfort the mom who was not allowed to pump went through on that fucking flight, which probably felt interminable.  I think that mom showed remarkable restraint by only filing a lawsuit.  Had I found myself in the same situation, I probably would have gotten into a fist fight with the flight attendant, and wound up being shipped off to Guantanamo Bay as an enemy combatant.

The images in this post are from Wikimedia Commons, a freely licensed media file repository.  

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11 thoughts on “I’ll Never Be a Member of the Mile High Club

  1. Charles Yallowitz says:

    The device thing is pretty crazy. I was screamed at once because I had my first generation Ipod on before take-off. Not asked politely, but screamed at from the beginning. I behaved and apologized while putting it away, but somebody else pointed out that my Ipod doesn’t release any type of signal. At worst, it would annoy the person next to me because the volume was too loud. Maybe the flight attendants are simply over-stressed because they’re trained to think every flight is a potential terrorist plot. Sort of like how in retail, people are now trained to think of every customer as a potential shoplifter until they’re in their car and leaving the parking lot.

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    • Karen says:

      As far as I know, the restrictions on electronic devices had to do with fears that they would interfere with navigation equipment, not terrorism, and while it looks like the FAA is about to (finally!) relax those restrictions, who knows what will happen in the wake of the Boston Marathon bombings if it turns out the terrorists detonated the bombs through their cell phones. After all, they still (still!) make us take off our shoes and limit the amount of liquid we can carry onto a flight.

      If I were a betting woman, I’d wager that Alec Baldwin is not going to be playing Words With Friends on an airplane any time soon.

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      • Charles Yallowitz says:

        That’s a safe bet. Though, it isn’t like cellphone being used as detonator is anything new. The bizarre thing with the interfering with navigation equipment is that I would assume something would have to be able to give off a signal. I’ve seen flight attendants go after old-school CD players.

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  2. Joyce says:

    I read the article on the breast-pumping mom a few weeks ago, and because I apparently enjoy misery, I just had to scroll throught the comments, where people asked things like “Why couldn’t she just wait?” I wanted to jump in the fray and assure them that the mom would not have broken out her breast pump unless she really, really had to, but I wisely refrained.

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    • Karen says:

      I’m sure there were plenty of breast feeding moms who were glad to carry that banner for you in the comments section. 😉

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