Am I the only one who thinks Chaz Bono is a liar? Chaz is back in the news claiming to have lost 60 pounds. As I’ve written before in this post, Three Ways to Revive Your Stalled Career, losing weight is one way for celebrities who find their star fading to resurrect their careers, or at least get a mention on TMZ. And while Chaz can’t really be considered a star since he, like the Kardashians, is mostly famous for
being a post operative transexual being famous, his weight loss has got him back in the news, with the story being reported by People Magazine, abcnews, and NBC’s Today.
I’m dubious about Chaz’s claim, because if you take a look at his before and after pictures here, I just don’t see the type of physical transformation I would expect in someone who has lost a quarter of his total body weight. Sure, his face looks a bit (just a bit!) slimmer, but that suit still looks pretty snug.
So maybe I should add another way to get your name back into the news: in addition to losing weight, confessing you were molested as a child, and coming out as gay/lesbian, it seems you can just say you’ve lost weight, which seems like the perfect plan, because you get to avoid all those hunger pangs and stalks of celery.
I imagine Chaz and his publicist and maybe his Mom, Cher, were sitting around trying to figure out ways he could get invited back onto Dancing with the Stars, or maybe even get his own reality show on one of the lesser known cable networks, say like the New England Fishing Network or RFD-TV: Rural American’s Most Important Network (I’m not making that one up, it’s an actual television channel).
Chaz: (crumpling up an empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos® before opening another) I could start a
charity or something, and we could issue a press release, and then hold a press conference with me surrounded by a bunch of sick, bald kids.
Cher: I tried that with Facelifts Should Be Free! the Corrective Cosmetic Surgery Fund and I had my picture taken with Joan Rivers and Bruce Jenner. All it got me was that lousy movie with Christina Aguilera.*
Chaz: (thinking hard) Hmmm. Maybe instead of just starting the charity, I could get the actual illness. Then I could be bald and sick, and the paparazzi could come take my picture.
Publicist: I don’t think they’re looking for any bald sickos on Dancing with the Stars.
Cher: If only you were born with some sort of talent, instead of just being a woman trapped in a man’s body . . .
Chaz: (wistfully) Yeah . . .
Publicist: (wistfully) Yeah . . .
Chaz: I could lose weight again. That might get me a Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers gig.
Cher: (snorting derisely) Yeah, good luck with that, Mr. Cool Ranch Dorito®!
Chaz: (bursting into tears) It’s your fault I’m fat!
Publicist: Wait a minute! What if you didn’t actually have to lose any weight? What if we just say you’ve lost weight? Who’s to know?
So I’m issuing a call to all the internet sleuths out there, who just finished embarrassing themselves in front of the entire world by revealing their dangerous and paranoid theories (which had hithertofore been limited to the Jon Benet Ramsey case) about the Boston Marathon Bombings. Here’s your chance to redeem yourselves: Can you unravel the mysterious case of Chaz Bono’s Weight
*”That lousy movie” is otherwise known as Burlesque.
Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG. The image of the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos® comes from fritolay.com and is believed to be used according to the Fair Use Doctrine.