Is Chaz Bono a Big Fat Liar?

Chaz Bono broke this scale.

Diet tip: Record your weight in kilograms instead of pounds.

Am I the only one who thinks Chaz Bono is a liar?  Chaz is back in the news claiming to have lost 60 pounds.  As I’ve written before in this post, Three Ways to Revive Your Stalled Career, losing weight is one way for celebrities who find their star fading to resurrect their careers, or at least get a mention on TMZ.  And while Chaz can’t really be considered a star since he, like the Kardashians, is mostly famous for being a post operative transexual being famous, his weight loss has got him back in the news, with the story being reported by People Magazine, abcnews, and NBC’s Today.

I’m dubious about Chaz’s claim, because if you take a look at his before and after pictures here, I just don’t see the type of physical transformation I would expect in someone who has lost a quarter of his total body weight. Sure, his face looks a bit (just a bit!) slimmer, but that suit still looks pretty snug.

So maybe I should add another way to get your name back into the news: in addition to losing weight, confessing you were molested as a child, and coming out as gay/lesbian, it seems you can just say you’ve lost weight, which seems like the perfect plan, because you get to avoid all those hunger pangs and stalks of celery.

I imagine Chaz and his publicist and maybe his Mom, Cher, were sitting around trying to figure out ways he could get invited back onto Dancing with the Stars, or maybe even get his own reality show on one of the lesser known cable networks, say like the New England Fishing Network or RFD-TV: Rural American’s Most Important Network (I’m not making that one up, it’s an actual television channel).

Chaz: (crumpling up an empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos® before opening another)  I could start a

The real reason why Chaz Bono is fat

Diet tip: Visualize this image while you’re eating celery.

charity or something, and we could issue a press release, and then hold a press conference with me surrounded by a bunch of sick, bald kids.

Cher: I tried that with Facelifts Should Be Free! the Corrective Cosmetic Surgery Fund and I had my picture taken with Joan Rivers and Bruce Jenner.  All it got me was that lousy movie with Christina Aguilera.*

Chaz: (thinking hard) Hmmm.  Maybe instead of just starting the charity, I could get the actual illness.  Then I could be bald and sick, and the paparazzi could come take my picture.

Publicist:  I don’t think they’re looking for any bald sickos on Dancing with the Stars.

Cher: If only you were born with some sort of talent, instead of just being a woman trapped in a man’s body . . .

Chaz: (wistfully) Yeah . . .

Publicist: (wistfully) Yeah . . .

Chaz: I could lose weight again.  That might get me a Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers gig.

Cher: (snorting derisely) Yeah, good luck with that, Mr. Cool Ranch Dorito®!

Chaz: (bursting into tears)  It’s your fault I’m fat!

Publicist:  Wait a minute!  What if you didn’t actually have to lose any weight?  What if we just say you’ve lost weight?  Who’s to know?

So I’m issuing a call to all the internet sleuths out there, who just finished embarrassing themselves in front of the entire world by revealing their dangerous and paranoid theories (which had hithertofore been limited to the Jon Benet Ramsey case) about the Boston Marathon Bombings.  Here’s your chance to redeem yourselves:  Can you unravel the mysterious case of Chaz Bono’s Weight Gain Loss?

*”That lousy movie” is otherwise known as Burlesque.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.  The image of the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos® comes from fritolay.com and is believed to be used according to the Fair Use Doctrine.

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5 thoughts on “Is Chaz Bono a Big Fat Liar?

  1. Karen says:

    I don’t actually doubt that Chaz lost the 60 pounds, and congratulations to him for that, but I’m rather using the story as starting point to poke fun at the media’s obsession with celebrity, and reporting the most mundane facts (he lost weight!) as breathlessly significant.

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  2. Charles Yallowitz says:

    You actually had me going until I read your comment. The media’s love affair with celebrities is definitely sickening. Almost as sickening as finding ‘Burlesque’ playing on the ABC Family channel. I have no idea why they did that.

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    • Karen says:

      What is Burlesque about? Strippers? Maybe it’s about a family of strippers, which is why they showed it on ABC Family.

      Is Cher naked in it? I hope not. It actually got a 6.2 rating over on IMDB, which surprised me. I thought it was just a movie with a lot of bad singing and bad dancing, with Cher and Christina Aguilera mostly wearing their clothes.

      You know, I’m as obsessed with celebrities as the next person, and I’m always glad to hear about Reese Witherspoon screaming at a traffic cop, “Do you know who I am???” right before she gets arrested, but what planet did I wake up on where Chaz Bono is enough of a celebrity that I care about his weight loss?

      (And I know I said I would take him at his word that he really did lose 60 lbs, but did you look at those pictures? Really? 60 lbs? ok, if it makes him feel better to say he lost 60 lbs, I guess I’ll go along with it.)

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      • Charles Yallowitz says:

        I think it was PG-13. Beyond that, I have no idea. From the clips I stumbled onto, I think it plays out the typical ‘young girl with talent wants to be the next star and tackles obstacles of love, life, and rivalry’.

        60 lbs looked a little high, but he did look like he lost weight. Maybe the cut of the suit makes it hard to tell. Not sure why he’s famous beyond the Dancing with the Stars shenanigans. I barely paid attention and haven’t thought of him again until today.

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