This bed will not make you climax faster

Rate Your Mattress (for sex)!

A very good year for buying a new sex mattress.

A very good year for buying a new sex mattress.

What did we do before the internet?  I often pose that question when some difference of opinion is settled definitively by merely Googling.  For example, my husband and I decided we needed a new mattress a few days ago.  Actually, we needed a new mattress several months (years?) ago, but as 2012 was winding down, and 2013 was revving up, and we didn’t much feel like taking the Christmas decorations down, it seemed like the time was right to go out and get a new mattress.

But which mattress?

And here’s where that internet thing came in, because the internet has all the answers.  Not only did the internet tell me what sort of bed to buy (the Sleep Number p5), the internet told me what type of mattress is best for sex.

See, I’m at the point in my relationship where I’ve pretty much seen all the moves my husband has to offer, and he’s seen mine, though every once in a while I manage to surprise him with something new I’ve learned from a brazilian trannie porno magazine article I read about improving the marital relationship.  So we kind of need something to help us out, and who knew that help would come in the form of a new mattress?  From the website, Sleep Like the Dead comes Mattress Types and Sex Suitability.  Looks like a whole bunch of pervs took the time to rate their mattresses according to the following seven criteria:

  • Active sex friendly  The mattress doesn’t require me to lie there like a dead fish, but I’ve found that approach makes my husband work harder.
  • Bouncy The mattress makes my breasts look bigger, and wildly out of control (I think).
  • Allows discretion The mattress doesn’t make that squeaky, creaky, rusty springs noise (you know, like your parents’ bed did).
  • Durable The mattress is water-proof, fire-proof and will last through your first and second marriages, or multiple extramarital affairs.
  • Allows Many Positions The mattress allows you to have sex in The Crab, the Double Lutz, and the Enfillade positions.
  • Comfortable You can sleep in it, too.
  • Allows Faster Climax Oh, boy, do you think they actually make a mattress that can do this?????
  • Whole Bed Suitable The mattress allows you to perch on the headboard or footboard, and dive onto your partner.

Check back with me in a few weeks, and I’ll let you know how the Sleep Number p5 scores.*

This bed will not make you climax faster

Considering how much we paid for the Sleep Number p5, not only should I climax faster, but it should come with a sexy guy, too.

So what did you do before the internet?  And how would rate your mattress?  Let me know in the comments.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

*No, I won’t.  My husband reads this blog, and I like being married.

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11 thoughts on “Rate Your Mattress (for sex)!

    • Karen says:

      Because I’m helpful, I’ll let you know that Sleep Like the Dead says a memory foam mattress is best for achieving a faster climax, scoring a B from the pervs there who rate this stuff. Innerspring and air mattresses score the worst, coming in with C’s.

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  1. rebecca2000 says:

    I am going to need a new mattress when my husband gets a job again. I will keep all of this in mind. Too funny. You know, if you have as much sex as some of us do, the rankings are important. 😉 I like sleep number.

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  2. Timothy Price says:

    We got a new matress last summer and went for the “Allows Discretion”. Not that anyone else can hear us, neighbors aren’t close enough, but all that clanging, banging, squeaking and creaking bothers the cats. Now if I can just get my joints to stop squeaking and creaking we’ll be in great shape;• )

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