Where Would You Masturbate in Public? (The Blog Post I Meant to Write Yesterday)

Do you ever find that you start out with an idea for a blog post and then you wind up writing

Public masturbation = Good Idea. Starbucks = Bad Idea.

something completely different?  I find this happens to me all the time, and I tend to go with it, because the best writing advice I ever got was “Just because it’s your first idea, doesn’t mean it’s your best idea.”  Anyway, that’s what happened to me yesterday, when I wrote this blog post, The Blog Post in Which I Explain Why You Would Pay $5 for a Cup of Coffee.  That post was supposed to be about public masturbation, and instead it wound up being about Starbucks and Florida.  And now I’m reconsidering whether or not that first idea/not your best idea advice is worthwhile after all, because, frankly, public masturbation just seems a way better idea than Starbucks.  I’ve even written about masturbating in public before in this post, Creepy Public Wanking, but I guess I have more to say!

Let’s rewind the clock here and go back in time and write the post I meant to write yesterday.  Here goes.


There are four Starbucks locations in the town I live in, with a population of a little over 8,000 people.  To put that in perspective, the town of Bradenton, Florida, with a population of over 50,000 people, only has two Starbucks.  I don’t drink Starbucks coffee at any of the locations here in my town, but I might if the coffee served there seemed to have the effect on the customers that the coffee served at least one of the Brandenton locations has.  Let’s meet a fine upstanding citizen of Bradenton, Jennifer Piranian.

Police were summoned to the Bradenton business “by the staff at Starbucks regarding a female that was in their lobby and was masturbating.” When an officer questioned the woman, Jennifer Piranian, she reported that she was waiting to go to a local hospital.

Why not find a nice quiet corner in here and diddle yourself?

Because why not rub one out while you’re waiting to go to the hospital?  With time to kill, most of us would probably read a magazine, or play Words With Friends on our phone, but not Jennifer Piranian.  To compound the stupidity of choosing the Bradenton Starbucks as a sweet spot to masturbate in, Jennifer also agreed to allow the police to search her purse where they found (surprise!) a crack pipe with cocaine residue.  Off to jail with you, Jennifer Paranian.

The story got me thinking about public masturbation and remembering a party conversation I once had  inspired by the question, “Where is the strangest place you ever had sex?”  One of the party goers (a guy, of course) confessed to having jerked off in the bathroom of a Wendy’s.  I’ve never technically masturbated in public, but I used to make out in cars a lot back in the day when I was young and single and poor and had three roommates and a two bedroom apartment.

I don’t think I could ever actually masturbate in public.  I don’t think the thought would ever occur to me, especially not in a public restroom or a Starbucks coffee shop.  Maybe in a fancy, dimly lit French restaurant after too much wine.  But there’s a class you can take, if you’re interested, where a bunch of women get together and, you know, masturbate.  Here’s an excerpt from a New York magazine article, “I Went to a Female Masturbation Class” so you can see I’m not making this up.

Finally, it was our turn. Betty set the mood by lighting candles and turning on classic rock radio,  because nothing says “arousal” like Aerosmith. With a set of tools next to each of us including Almond Oil, a metal barbell, and a wand vibrator, seven eager ladies put the metal to the petal.  Every so often a woman would start breathing really  loudly and let out little squeals and squeaks and Betty would yell, “Another one down!”

It’s a very funny piece, and I encourage you to read the whole thing.  I’m not sure if I’m going to add “In a Female Masturbation Class” to my short list of places where I would masturbate, but (I think) I admire these women who seem so comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality.

So am I the only one who ever starts out writing one post, but ends up having written something completely different?  And where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?

Photos courtesy Starbucks Newsroom.


13 thoughts on “Where Would You Masturbate in Public? (The Blog Post I Meant to Write Yesterday)

    • Karen says:

      I wonder if I would be better at it if I took a class. Of course, I spent an entire semester studying Calculus, and I still don’t get that . . .


  1. boondocksbrainwork says:

    While I question Jennifer’s decision to let the cops search her purse, I think that she may be on to something. From my experience, Words With Friends has *never* resulted in that moment of…uh..satisfaction you get from banging one out.
    I’d blame Starbucks for this whole thing, what with the caffeine, comfy chairs and wi-fi to drive porn onto my laptop. 😉


  2. Karen says:

    So you find Words With Friends, um, unsatisfying? Maybe you should try Scramble.
    Yeah, caffeine, a comfy chair, and wi fi porn is pretty much all I need to get in the mood . . .


  3. sqeekchair says:

    I need too much time and space to get excited, so the public solo act would not work for me. Although.. sometimes when I do squats.. especially pulsing squats in my weight-lifting (Body Pump) class I do get horny.. I feel like buying a super sonic clitoral vibrator and then bliss..then I remember my budget.. then I just smile to myself and use my imagination.. right in the class!


  4. Jesse says:

    How I have missed reading your hilarious posts. Just got too busy being French and all. I’m back and glad that you are still at it and still funny. 😉


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