There are four Starbucks located in the town I live in, which has a population just over 8,000 people. To put that in perspective, there are only two in the town where I grew up, New Haven, Connecticut, which is home to Yale University, and has a population of 129,000, though admittedly, probably not a lot of
pretentious white hipsters imbibers of Caramel Brulée Lattes if you wander very far off campus.
I’m not a fan of Starbucks, mostly because I absolutely refuse to switch to speaking Italian just to get a coffee larger than sixteen ounces, but also because I’ve found that people who like Starbucks don’t really like coffee, they like sugar. Take a look at their most popular drinks and you will see what I mean. Since it would detract from my argument, I’m going to conveniently ignore numbers 1 (coffee) and 2 (latte) on the list, but here are the rest.
- white mocha
- caramel machiatto
- caramel frappuccino
- mocha frappuccino
As you can see, nothing but sugar and chocolate on the Starbucks menu, but some customers desire a bit more than a soyaccino, at least at one Starbucks located in Bradenton, Florida. Let’s meet Jennifer Piranian, shall we?
Police were summoned to the Bradenton business “by the staff at Starbucks regarding a female that was in their lobby and was masturbating.” When an officer questioned the woman, Jennifer Piranian, she reported that she was waiting to go to a local hospital.
A cop offered her a ride to the hospital, but asked to first check her purse, to which Piranian agreed. The officer subsequently discovered “a glass stem” in the 29-year-old Piranian’s purse that “tested positive for cocaine residue,” according to a probably cause affidavit.
I’ve written about the Sunshine State before in this blog post, Topless Woman, Ford Pick Up Truck, What Could Go Wrong? so I wasn’t at all surprised to see where this story originated, but I do wonder what it is about Florida that seems to engender these sorts of incidents. Does too much sun fry people’s brains? Did Walt Disney contaminate the land/sea/air back in the 1960’s while building Disneyworld? Is it overexposure to old people? Let me hear your theories in the comments.
Photos courtesy Starbucks Newsroom.