The Blog Post in which I Explain Why You Would Pay $5 for a Cup of Coffee

Listen while I explain why the customers in this photo look happy, and the barista is all nervous and twitchy.

There are four Starbucks located in the town I live in, which has a population just over 8,000 people.  To put that in perspective, there are only two in the town where I grew up, New Haven, Connecticut, which is home to Yale University, and has a population of 129,000, though admittedly, probably not a lot of pretentious white hipsters imbibers of Caramel Brulée Lattes if you wander very far off campus.

I’m not a fan of Starbucks, mostly because I absolutely refuse to switch to speaking Italian just to get a coffee larger than sixteen ounces, but also because I’ve found that people who like Starbucks don’t really like coffee, they like sugar.  Take a look at their most popular drinks and you will see what I mean.  Since it would detract from my argument, I’m going to conveniently ignore numbers 1 (coffee) and 2 (latte) on the list, but here are the rest.

  1. mocha
  2. white mocha
  3. caramel machiatto
  4. caramel frappuccino
  5. mocha frappuccino

As you can see, nothing but sugar and chocolate on the Starbucks menu, but some customers desire a bit more than a soyaccino, at least at one Starbucks located in Bradenton, Florida.  Let’s meet Jennifer Piranian, shall we?

Just add a little masturbation and cocaine for a perfect cup of coffee.

Police were summoned to the Bradenton business “by the staff at Starbucks regarding a female that was in their lobby and was masturbating.” When an officer questioned the woman, Jennifer Piranian, she reported that she was waiting to go to a local hospital.

A cop offered her a ride to the hospital, but asked to first check her purse, to which Piranian agreed. The officer subsequently discovered “a glass stem” in the 29-year-old Piranian’s purse that “tested positive for cocaine residue,” according to a probably cause affidavit.

I’ve written about the Sunshine State before in this blog post, Topless Woman, Ford Pick Up Truck, What Could Go Wrong?  so I wasn’t at all surprised to see where this story originated, but I do wonder what it is about Florida that seems to engender these sorts of incidents.  Does too much sun fry people’s brains?  Did Walt Disney contaminate the land/sea/air back in the 1960’s while building Disneyworld?  Is it overexposure to old people?  Let me hear your theories in the comments.

Photos courtesy Starbucks Newsroom.

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4 thoughts on “The Blog Post in which I Explain Why You Would Pay $5 for a Cup of Coffee

  1. Madame Weebles says:

    I wish I knew the explanation myself. My parents, lifelong New Yorkers, moved to Florida 7 years ago and are now shadows of their former selves. Going to Florida horrifies me. I know some wonderful, brilliant bloggers who live in the Sunshine State, but as a whole, there is something deeply wrong there.

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    • Karen says:

      Oh, I’ve vacationed quite a bit in Florida, and thought of relocating there, in that sort of fantasy way we can think about life when we’ve had too much sun and too many Margaritas. The entire state does seem like an amusement park to Northeasterners used to shoveling snow and bundling up a good portion of the year.

      I guess meth/crack addicts find the state appealing for many of the same reasons. Plus, you can always sleep on the beach after you spend your rent money on, um, meth/crack.

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