Harry Potter Doesn’t Get Laid

J.K. Rowling’s new novel, The Casual Vacancy, will be released tomorrow.  Rowling is, of course, the wildly successful author of the Harry Potter children’s book series, and this is her first “adult” novel.  As you may have guessed, an “adult” novel, like an “adult” film, means “full of sex.”  From a lengthy profile in this month’s New YorkerRowling explains her reasons for switching genres.

“I had a lot of real-world material in me, believe you me,” Rowling said. “The thing about fantasy—there are certain things you just don’t do in fantasy. You don’t have sex near unicorns. It’s an ironclad rule. It’s tacky.” She then added, carefully, “It’s not that I just wanted to write about people having sex.”

Looks like she realized how this sounded (“I’ve really been wanting to write about sex all this time, and not stupid Harry Potter and Hogwarts!”) and immediately tried to walk it back, but it didn’t work.  We all know she really always wanted to write about sex, sex, and more sex, the whole time she’s been banking billions off Harry.

I’m probably not going to read Rowling’s new book, even if she does include the sexy sex, with sex.  I don’t like to brag, but I never read one solitary sentence of any of the Harry Potter books, and I feel I need to keep my no-reading-J.K. Rowling-books-ever-streak intact.  However,  I am curious about this list of rules Rowling mentioned here.  You can’t have sex near unicorns?  No one ever told me that.  I really must see this list because I’m worried I might be going around being tacky.

Don’t have sex near unicorns. Actually, I think this is a goat. Probably not a good idea to have sex near a goat, either.

But I can’t find the list anywhere and I’ve looked for a good two-three minutes.  Not sure if I can put in any more effort, so I’ll just create a list of my own ironclad rules, beginning with the only one Rowling was kind enough to reveal.

1.  Don’t have sex near unicorns.  They excite easily and could accidentally gore you or your partner in an attempt to join in the fun.

2.  Don’t have sex with an Oompa Loompa.  They’re insanely jealous and will tell everyone you’re still together long after you’ve broken up.

3.  Don’t have sex in the Hundred Acre Wood.  It’s full of Woozles, and Heffalumps and busy bodies looking for honey.

4.  Don’t have sex in that fancy house covered in candy you stumble across in the woods, even if the witch

It’s a trap!

who lives there promises she won’t watch.

5.  And if you are selected as tribute from your district, don’t have sex when you’re competing in a battle to the death.  Try to stay alive, instead.

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12 thoughts on “Harry Potter Doesn’t Get Laid

    • Karen says:

      These are just *my* ironclad rules. Feel free and go off and fuck an Oompa Loompa if you must, but he’s gonna post bitchy shit on FB about you if you dump him ;).

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  1. Ralph says:

    Your posts are so funny Karen. This one especially. I haven’t got a FB, Blogger or anything else as I am having so much fun here reading your posts and comments. I’ve lost my unicorn !! Take care. Ralph x

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