This past Friday, the Supreme Court of Canada allowed a challenge to the the country’s laws against prostitution to proceed, so eventually little Canadian girls and boys may be able to go around and sell access to their ding dongs and hoo hahs (I believe those are the technical terms) to the highest bidder. Or maybe not. It depends on whether the challenge is successful. Right now, prostitution is mostly legal in Canada, except you can’t “live off the avails of prostitution,” i.e. it’s hard out there to be a pimp, even in Canada. You also can’t run a “bawdy house.” I absolutely love that term, and would get “Bawdy House” printed on a sign and hang it outside my own home, except it would probably attract a bunch of horny Canadians, all milling about the lawn and wondering where the sex was.
Since our friends to the north (kinda sorta) got national health care in 1984, and we backward Americans (kinda sorta) got national health care in 2009, I figure we can expect the “legalization and normalization” of prostitution here in the US some time in 2035. I’ll be in my fifties by then, and perhaps looking for a career change.
The thing is, I’m probably not good enough at sex to actually charge for it. I guess I’d fall into the “gifted amateur” category of sex skill. This is also how I would describe my culinary skill: if I invite you over for dinner, you’d probably accept, but you’re not going to pay for my chicken enchiladas. And by “chicken enchiladas” I mean “sex.”
And I’m not sure I could muster much enthusiasm for day after interminable day of humping fatties and blowing guys with gray pubes. I’m not all that enthusiastic about my current job, which I don’t have to perform naked or with a penis in my mouth.
So I’m thinking it probably takes a particular sort of person to be a good prostitute, like you have to have a special aptitude for it. Remember those tests we took in high school designed to help us make career decisions? My guidance counselor told me my test scores showed I would make a good English teacher. My friend, who was good at math, was told she had the potential to be an excellent Math teacher. And the captain of the girls volleyball team, who didn’t spend the entire season on the bench like I did, was encouraged to pursue a career in, um, teaching gym. It turns out our guidance counselor didn’t have a lot of career suggestions outside her own experience in the public education system.
But I’m wondering what your score on that test would have to be for you to show an aptitude for prostitution.
Guidance Counselor: From your aptitude test here, it looks like you’re not good at anything.
High School Student: Well, my stepfather says I’m good at French kissing.
Guidance Counselor: Oh, really?
High School Student: Yeah, let me show you.
So do you have what it takes to be a Canadian prostitute?