Ok, time to send the kids over to the neighbors (no, not the creepy guy across the street. This time, let’s try those people next door. You know, the weird couple, with the knocked up wife who’s always wishing you a blessed day? Yeah, them). As soon as the kids are gone, grab your honey, get him/her good and liquored up and let’s take the Mojo Upgrade Interactive Sex Questionnaire! From the website:
Mojo Upgrade is an interactive sex questionnaire for couples. We present a list of sexual fantasies to both partners separately and have them indicate their level of interest. After the couple has finished the survey, we compare the answers. If you both gave a positive response to an activity, then we’ll share it; if not, we don’t. That way if your partner is not game to watch midget porn with you, they won’t know.
Let me add that if your partner doesn’t want to watch midget porn with you, dump him/her now.
I think this questionnaire is an awesome tool for folks in long term relationships where the sizzle has started to fizzle. Remember when we were dating and used to ask each other questions like “What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?” Now that we’re boring married people, we’re asking questions like
“Is that your mother on the phone, again?” So to recapture some of that lost magic, let’s try springing this questionnaire on our partners over dinner, say, between bites of tater tot casserole.
Get a clipboard and two sharp number two pencils and let’s get started. First we have “The Basics and then Some” where our fantasy options range from “Listen to romantic music during sex” to “Be fisted by partner.” Hmmm. There doesn’t appear to be the choice to “Listen to romantic music while being fisted by partner.” Nothing says romance like turning the lights down low and swaying to a little Marvin Gaye with your partner’s entire hand shoved up your naughty bits.
Next up we have “Playing with Toys.” Here we’re encouraged to use dildos, vibrators, cock rings, nipple clamps, and butt plugs. Perhaps all at the same time. Also, there’s something called “sex furniture (such as a swing, or a ramp).” I guess a sex ramp is used by handicapped perverts? What the heck is a sex ramp? Do I want to know? Dare I google it? But of course, it’s on Youtube!
This, dear reader, is a sex ramp.
Is there anything worse than old wrinkly ladies explaining sex? Maybe having a partner who likes to watch midget porn.
Now Mojo Upgrade wants to indulge all our BDSM fantasies. Of course, most of us didn’t even know we had BDSM fantasies until we read Fifty Shades of Grey. Now it’s all we can think about. Would you like to have a knife or a gun held on you during sex? Would you like to be punched or spanked? Would you like to wear a dog collar or a leash? Would you like to act as furniture to be used by your partner? Why, yes, I’d like to act like a floor lamp. Dust me once a week, and be careful not to trip over my electrical cord.
There’s also the option of commanding me to have an orgasm. Good luck with that one.
Then we have “Anal Play,” which I’m totally “meh” about, so we’ll skip ahead to “Group and Public Fun.” At this point, I’m starting to think this questionnaire is long. How many more smutty questions am I expected to
answer? Good grief, I’ve still got to get through “Other Fetishes” which encompasses every single filthy disgusting thing the human brain can imagine that didn’t fit into any of the other filthy disgusting categories. Like, for example, “Use chemicals.” And they don’t mean fun, mind altering chemicals. They mean toothpaste and Ben Gay. It’s like they ran out of sexy stuff to ask about and just started grabbing random items from the medicine cabinet: “Hey! Let’s try this!”
So take a look at the survey and leave a comment and let’s see just what sort of perverts we have here.
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