I came across this article in Psychology Today, “Sex Rules: Four Things You Should Always Do During Sex” which is just so ridiculous I won’t even recommend you click on the link. I’m guessing the authors are both virgins. Or maybe they’re just trying to sell a book. (Oh, look there at the end of the article. There is a book. Quelle surprise!)
Since I know you didn’t click on the link because I told you not to bother (and also, you’re lazy) here are the four things they want you to do before you and your partner commence the sexy time.
Rule # 1: Consciously ask yourself if you truly feel like having sex before you start the sexual interaction.
Rule # 2: Ask yourself which sexual behaviors you feel like performing, and which behaviors you don’t, during each sexual interaction.
Rule # 3: Be flexible about the length of the sexual interaction.
Rule # 4: Accept the fact that no one needs to have an orgasm in order for the sexual experience to be considered a good one.
I have to admit I kinda like imagining my husband standing in the middle of our bedroom, with his boxers around his ankles, and me with my hand held up in the universal signal for “Stop!” as suggested here in Rule #1. Let the sexual negotiations begin!
“Hold on a minute, Mister. I have to consider whether or not I truly feel like having sex before we start this sexual interaction.”
“You should have thought about this earlier. The sexual interaction has already started.”
“No, no, no. I still have all my clothes on. The sexual interaction doesn’t start until I’m showing some of my dirty bits.”
“Wrong. The sexual interaction started downstairs five minutes ago, when you put your hand on my ass.”
“I brushed it by accident!”
“You squeezed it! That was no accident!”
“You make a good point there. Ok, now that we’ve both agreed to this sexual interaction, we need to figure out which sexual behaviors we feel like performing.”
“I feel like putting this” (he points to himself) “in there” (he points to me).
“I’ll agree to that, but first you have to tell me how pretty I am, and how great my hair looks today.”
“You’re really pretty and your hair looks nice.”
“Say it like you mean it!”
“Oh, God!” He reaches down and pulls up his boxers and storms out of the room.
Without further ado, here are my Four Rules of Sex, which I guarantee*** will get you laid.
Rule #1: Brush your teeth, chew some gum, suck on a breath mint. I can’t emphasize this enough.
Rule #2: Do that thing with your tongue that I like. You know the one I’m talking about.
Rule #3: Be flexible about the length of the sexual interaction (this is the only thing Psychology Today got right). Downton Abbey is starting in ten minutes!
Rule #4: Laugh at my jokes. The quickest way into my pants.
***No, I don’t.
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