My Four Rules of Sex

I came across this article in Psychology Today, “Sex Rules: Four Things You Should Always Do During Sex” which is just so ridiculous I won’t even recommend you click on the link.  I’m guessing the authors are both virgins.   Or maybe they’re just trying to sell a book.  (Oh, look there at the end of the article.  There is a book.  Quelle surprise!)

Since I know you didn’t click on the link because I told you not to bother  (and also, you’re lazy) here are the four things they want you to do before you and your partner commence the sexy time.

Rule # 1: Consciously ask yourself if you truly feel like having sex before you start the sexual interaction.

Rule # 2: Ask yourself which sexual behaviors you feel like performing, and which behaviors you don’t, during each sexual interaction.

Rule # 3: Be flexible about the length of the sexual interaction.

 Rule # 4: Accept the fact that no one needs to have an orgasm in order for the sexual experience to be considered a good one.

I have to admit I kinda like imagining my husband standing in the middle of our bedroom, with his boxers around his ankles, and me with my hand held up in the universal signal for “Stop!” as suggested here in Rule  #1.  Let the sexual negotiations begin!

“Hold on a minute, Mister.  I have to consider whether or not I truly feel like having sex before we start this sexual interaction.”

“You should have thought about this earlier.  The sexual interaction has already started.”

“No, no, no.  I still have all my clothes on.  The sexual interaction doesn’t start until I’m showing some of my dirty bits.”

“Wrong.  The sexual interaction started downstairs five minutes ago, when you put your hand on my ass.”

“I brushed it by accident!”

“You squeezed it!  That was no accident!”

“You make a good point there.  Ok, now that we’ve both agreed to this sexual interaction, we need to figure out which sexual behaviors we feel like performing.”

“I feel like putting this” (he points to himself) “in there” (he points to me).

“I’ll agree to that, but first you have to tell me how pretty I am, and how great my hair looks today.”

“You’re really pretty and your hair looks nice.”

“Say it like you mean it!”

“Oh, God!” He reaches down and pulls up his boxers and storms out of the room.

Without further ado, here are my Four Rules of Sex, which I guarantee*** will get you laid.

Fights tooth decay and gets you laid.

Rule #1:  Brush your teeth, chew some gum, suck on a breath mint.  I can’t emphasize this enough.

Rule #2:  Do that thing with your tongue that I like. You know the one I’m talking about.

Rule #3: Be flexible about the length of the sexual interaction (this is the only thing Psychology Today got right).  Downton Abbey is starting in ten minutes!

What foreplay looks like at my house.

Rule #4: Laugh at my jokes.  The quickest way into my pants.

***No, I don’t.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

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16 thoughts on “My Four Rules of Sex

  1. GreedyFrog says:

    I think if I ever start referring to sex as an “interaction”, Mr Greedy Frog might not want to “interact” with me much anymore 😦 especially as he is still a bit mad at me for pointing out that since he can’t fix faucets he might be redundant… 🙂

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    • Karen says:

      I’m trying to imagine a conversation about those rules ending any other way, and I just can’t see it.
      Discussions about sex probably need to take place way before any clothing is removed, when my hair is not doing what I want it to do, when he hasn’t taken a shower yet, and when the in laws (or small children) are close by and liable to barge in at any moment, i.e. when no actual sex has any chance of breaking out.

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    • Karen says:

      Ack! Don’t do that. I can’t afford to lose any followers. Just saw on your blog you are leaving for France for a few months and I am really, really jealous. Can’t wait to see what you write about from there.

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    • Karen says:

      My husband hates when he appears in these blog posts and he doesn’t think it’s funny at all but it’s kind of impossible to write about sex/relationships when you’re married and not talk about your spouse. Unless I take a lover. Maybe I’ll run that idea by him . ..

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  2. sqeekchair says:

    Rule #5 Please shave or wax. If you don’t think is a necessity, you haven’t tried it. Hair creates “draaaagggg”- wonder why swimmers or body builders remove hair? There’s more than an aesthetic reason for it. Bushy hair removes the sensuality of the “moving parts,” i.e. tongue, lips, fingers, penis. Not to mention, it eliminates the sensuality of the skin areas under the “moving parts.”

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