People Who Just Had Sex (NSFW)

Just as an aside, I had a conversation yesterday with a friend about how long it will take me to lose my new, post-Freshly Pressed followers.  I have a feeling this post might do it.

Caution: No graphic images, but lots of dirty, explicit, really filthy language in the links, so, depending on where you work, the following videos are NSFW.  And if you work some place where you actually can watch these videos, I have one question for you: are they hiring?

Over on vice.com, which is actually not a porn site, but an artsy fartsy, look-at-us-pushing-the-envelope-talking-about-weird-shit site, I found a series of four minute web documentaries called People Who Just Had Sex.  I watched all six videos, to spare you.  You can thank me later.

The set up for each of the soft core porn documentaries is that they find a couple that can have sex on command and then talk about it later.  Only ugly people appear willing to do this.  Usually, the video begins with the couple sitting on a bed and then one of them shuts the door and then the door opens, afterwards (allegedly).  The unseen interviewer always has the same question of each of the couples: “So, how was it?”  which is the same question (in the exact same words) my best friend asked me in high school after I blurted out that I had just lost my virginity  over the weekend.

But I digress.

You can leave your hat on.

It turns out watching a bunch of mostly unattractive people talk about the sex they just had isn’t the turn on I thought it would be.  Since the documentarians don’t actually, um, document the fucking, there are  lots of slow, lingering shots of crumpled clothes lying on the floor post-coitus (again, allegedly).  I imagine a dim witted detective following the trail of clothes and shouting triumphantly, “Aha!  I deduce that sex took place here! There is the evidence!”

First, we have Meredith and Kevin, the only married couple filmed.  In the video, there is a shot of them holding hands, and you can see they wear their wedding rings on their middle fingers, as a sort of big Fuck You! to all us uptight married types who wear our wedding rings on our, you know, ring fingers.  Kevin is sipping a refreshing glass of orange juice, post coitus (allegedly).  Meredith says that Kevin didn’t even know what polyamory was until she explained it to him (hold onto your hats!) on their first date.  I blogged about one of my awkward first dates in this post, but imagine that conversation.

Meredith:  What do I like to do for fun?  Oh, the usual stuff.  Listen to music, hang out with my friends.  I collect stamps–I know, right?  I’m such a nerd.  I also volunteer at the animal shelter on weekends.  Oh yeah, and I like to sleep with lots and lots of men, all at the same time!  No no no, I’m not a slut.  It’s called polyamory.

Juice

Then we have Juice and Boogie.  I’m guessing those are aliases, because they sound more like names for a

Boogie

pair of Calico cats.  I bet before the video shoot, they tossed a coin to see who would be Juice and who would be Boogie.  I’m guessing Boogie lost because “Boogie” just sounds too much like “Booger” and who wouldn’t want to be called “Juice”?  Afterwards, Boogie (the guy) confesses he didn’t even come, and weirdly blames the dog (the four legged one, not Juice) for that failure.  I don’t know, but do you think it might have had something to do with that film crew standing just outside your bedroom door, pacing the floor and waiting, maybe even occasionally knocking and asking, “Are you done yet?  We’d like to wrap up and grab some dinner.”

With every cup of coffee you get sex, at Alice’s Restaurant.

Next up, Mike and Alice, who struggle to define their relationship for the interviewer until Alice inexplicably offers the statement,  “I make him coffee.”  Oh, so you’re his waitress from the diner down the street?  What’s that?  You also fuck?  I think the technical term for your relationship is “fuck buddies” but we can call it “coffee buddies” so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of my readers (oops.  Too late for that).  I wasn’t going to make a bunch of easy, cheap jokes about Alice being English and having bad teeth because you all really deserve more than that.  No, I wasn’t going to make those jokes–until the interviewer asked Mike where he came and he said, “In her mouth” which made me choke on my morning coffee.  You can see more of Mike and Alice and Her Magnificent Chompers here.

Then we have Abby and Dan who claim to enjoy “violent sex.”  When I heard that, I expected this couple to emerge from their bedroom with black eyes, ligature marks on their wrists, and gashes in their foreheads that required seventeen stitches to close.  Instead, when they were done, Abby’s hair was a little mussed, and Dan just looked like he had come out of the bathroom after a particularly satisfying BM.

They also documented two gay couples.  First, we have Brian and John, two cute chubby comedians, who seemed to actually like one another.  You could tell they were gay because their bedroom was the best decorated.  Oh yeah, and ’cause they talked about having sex with one another.  The other gay couple were named Ryan and Dan.  This Dan is not the same Dan from the Abby and Dan video, though it would have been funny if he were.  So this is Gay Dan, as opposed to Straight, not-as-violent-as-he-claims-to-be Dan.  Gay Dan was a talker and had a lot to say, including this gem.

If one party comes, the party that has not yet come, roll over and take care of yourself!  Don’t expect them to take care of you!  They are in their post orgasmic bliss!  Let them enjoy themselves. I hate it! Hate it! I always do that. I roll over, jerk myself off. People say, ‘You need anything?’  I always say ‘No, you enjoy yourself.'”

Being a lawyerly type, I find it especially delicious that he refers to the two people having sex as “party one” and “the party that has not yet come” like he’s defining contractual terms. I love it!  Love it!

After watching all these videos, I’m wondering what I would say if someone stuck a microphone in my face immediately after sex.  I’d probably just drool, and snort, being one of those types who becomes incoherent after an orgasm.  Knowing my husband, he would probably say, “Is there anything good in the fridge?”

So what would you say?

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at freedigitalphotos.net.

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “People Who Just Had Sex (NSFW)

  1. Rantypants says:

    I’d have to side with your husband here. Either that or when they asked how it was I’d reply with “it was going really well until the horse joined in” just to throw then off their game.

    Like

      • Kara d. says:

        I just recently lost my blogging virginity and am still figuring out my style. In fact I think you are one of my whole 2 followers!! Whoo hoo! I haven’t even mentioned to my worse half that I am testing out these new waters. If you want to pimp me out though I can respect that, it just depends on your cut 😉
        I believe this should get you to my blog http://whereismybeach.wordpress.com/

        Like

  2. sorrysoverysorry says:

    If the sex was good, I’d either be asleep or having a brain anuerism.

    I follow you because you are witty, but I don’t care to comment on EVERY post you make, so I gets tedious searching comments.

    Now, exactly why would I un-follow you?

    Like

    • Karen says:

      You probably wouldn’t, because you’re obviously a perv. 😉 No, I just can’t help but think about all those people who wandered over here because of Freshly Pressed categorizing my blog as being about “Books.”

      Like

  3. rebecca2000 says:

    If someone put a microphone in my face after sex I would say… Dude, you’re gross. I don’t masturbate with microphones. But if you want a go at me hop on. 😉

    Like

    • Karen says:

      Ack! I didn’t know there was a magazine! I really should be more aware of these things, if I’m ever going to progress beyond being an amateur pervert.

      Like

  4. babysgotasecret says:

    You didn’t lose me yet….and I do appreciate the warning. I do a lot of research regarding sex and I’m glad I didn’t stumble upon this on my own. I can’t watch sex if the people are ugly. So biased and wrong but alas it is true. As for what I’d say after sex…it’s more a question of what wouldn’t I say.

    Like

    • Karen says:

      This post was actually going to go a different way–I was going to imagine myself being interviewed after sex, but I couldn’t help but be snarky about the people in the videos. They weren’t that unattractive–they’re actually frighteningly normal looking. Go ahead. Don’t be afraid. Click on the video links.

      Like

  5. stillstrange says:

    When you mentioned Alice and Mike, I couldn’t help but think of poor Carol and her their 6 kids. You know the Bunch. How on earth would she explain that to them?
    Your blog was supposed to be about books? Hmm… I really don’t read sex books but I like your blog so….
    You can’t get rid of me this easily.

    Like

    • Karen says:

      lol!! How twisted to think of Alice the maid running off with Mike Brady and then making a video of themselves right after they had sex! I like it!

      And no, my blog is not supposed to be about books, that was the category WordPress selected for it when I was Freshly Pressed because I’m thinking they were a little too skittish to choose “sex.” I’ve been monitoring Freshly Pressed to see if any sex blogs are selected. So far, no go.

      Like

  6. The Bumble Files says:

    No chance of losing me. Funny, funny…although it sounds like the show was a major disappointment. It could have been very revealing. I don’t have a lot of credibility left for anything that’s supposed to a reality show. Oh well! It made for a great blog post though. There’s that!

    Like

      • The Bumble Files says:

        Oh. I’ll have to take a look…..Right. Maybe we just don’t need to know. It’s just something that hasn’t been done I guess. I mean we have all the porn that shows the sex. Why not an after sex show?

        Like

Comments are closed.