The Top Five Things I Would Do if I Could Travel Back in Time

According to the physicists, time travel is possible but only into the future, so there’s no chance for me to go back in time and zip up my slacks before my presentation to the senior vice presidents in 2003.

Nor is there any hope that I’ll be able to go back in time and make out with James Fraser, the sexy 18th century Scotsman who is the love interest of heroine Claire Randall in Diane Galbadon’s Outlander series of books about love and sex and time travel.  The books are coming to television this summer in a miniseries on Starz.

I’m currently reading the first book, Outlander.  The novel was published in the UK under the title Cross Stitch and I guess I understand why the publishers changed the title for the American audience because Cross Stitch sounds to this American like a murder mystery involving embroidery rather than science fiction involving time travel and sex: the protagonist, Claire Randall, gets it on a lot with her 20th century husband, Frank, in the first fifty pages or so, and, although I haven’t gotten that far yet, I’m expecting her to get it on, a lot, with her 18th century lover in future chapters.

I’m not sure if the first thing I would do as a time traveler would be to have sex but it would certainly be in the top five.  I don’t think it counts as cheating if you have sex in a time where it is theoretically impossible for you to be, right?  Well, I’m not going to count it.

No, they aren't!  Stop saying that!

They’re having sex in there.

Speaking of physicists and their strange ideas about time-space travel, when I was in college I triggered an absolute melt down in a physics major when I suggested that astronauts had sex in space.  He was excitedly telling me about the latest space shuttle mission (that’s nerd for flirting) when I interrupted his explanation of trajectory and aerobraking by asking (and this is nerd for foreplay), “Do you think they’ve had sex on the Space Shuttle?”

He insisted they didn’t, and I insisted they must have, and, yada yada yada*, I never had sex with him.

Anyway, here are the top five things I would do if I could travel back in time.

  1. Zip up my pants.
  2. Kill Hitler.
  3. Tell Einstein that it appears he was wrong about the time travel thing.
  4. Bet my entire 401k balance on the Boston Red Sox winning the 2013 World Series.
  5. Show off my freaky 21st century sex moves.

Outlander, a Starz original series, premieres in summer 2014.

*I still miss Seinfeld.

Royalty free stock photos including the image in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

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18 thoughts on “The Top Five Things I Would Do if I Could Travel Back in Time

  1. Karen January 20, 2014 at 5:00 am Reply

    Another reason why I can’t wait for summer, in addition to looking forward to the Outlander miniseries: I just woke up to a forecast of 4-6 inches of snow. Enough, already!

  2. barbtaub January 20, 2014 at 6:12 am Reply

    6. That time in his car when it really could have gone either way…

    (Hilarious post, as usual…)

    • Karen January 20, 2014 at 7:22 am Reply

      Ha! You know I was talking with another blogger the other day about the difference between men and women with regard to sexual regrets (there was a study done recently, of course!): women regret sex they did have, while men regret the sex they didn’t have. I can’t think of a time I passed on sex that I now regret, but there are a couple of times I wish I had stayed vertical (oh, I know you can have sex standing up, too, but it was the least offensive euphemism I can think of this early in the morning!

  3. Trent Lewin January 20, 2014 at 8:12 am Reply

    I cannot top your top five things you’d do with time travel powers… I’m going to have to consult my wife on the sex moves one, though, and see if I have any freaky ones…. sheesh.

    Red Sox winning the WS… still trying to forget… must forget.

    • Karen January 20, 2014 at 8:15 am Reply

      Don’t worry. I’ll remind you :)

      Yankee fan?

      • Trent Lewin January 20, 2014 at 8:16 am Reply

        Yah, sorry. Can we still be friends?

        Actually, I was a Montreal Expos fan more than anything. I was the greatest Montreal Expos fan ever. But then they vanished, and my heart was broken. I settled on the Yankees but it’s not the same type of love.

  4. Trent Lewin January 20, 2014 at 8:13 am Reply

    Also, great post. You are very funny.

  5. RainyWriter January 20, 2014 at 11:14 am Reply

    Heh heh … this was pretty funny. The title of your blog post is strange … but the reasoning fits.

    I do have my own theories about time travel … but I won’t mention it here. I explained it to my wife once … she just rolled her eyes and gave me the, “you’re such a nerd” look. Which is sad given that she’s kind of the nerdy one. :)

    • Karen January 20, 2014 at 1:36 pm Reply

      Yes, yes, that’s what I say about my husband, too–he’s the nerdy one in our relationship . . .

      Re: the name of my blog. If I had to do it over again I’d probably pick something like “Karen’s Blog” or “Dirty Naked Sex Pictures Here!” but I didn’t, so I’m kinda stuck with it.

      Feel free to mention your nerdy fascinating theory about time travel! I’d love to hear it. Do you blog? I don’t see a link here on your name or gravatar.

      • RainyWriter January 20, 2014 at 3:05 pm Reply

        I forgot to put the link to my blog. Thanks for alerting me to that fact.

    • Karen January 20, 2014 at 2:39 pm Reply

      Oh, I just reread your comment and you said the title of my blog post is strange, not the name of my blog. Good grief, eventually I’ll get this reading comprehension thing down.

      • RainyWriter January 20, 2014 at 3:06 pm Reply

        And … no, you read it correctly. I wrote it wrong! I meant to say the title of your blog … the sink and vomiting thing. I’d leave it … it is rather interesting :)

  6. Elyse January 20, 2014 at 10:01 pm Reply

    I loved these books, all 12 million of them. Of course I love Scotland, too. So thanks for letting me know about them.

    Me, I’d go back and tell my late sister Beth to hold on, because the TV series will be GREAT! Sigh.

    • Karen January 20, 2014 at 11:21 pm Reply

      Let’s hope so!

      I just started reading the very first book, not sure if I’ll read more in the series, but this first book is very good, extremely well written.

      • Elyse January 20, 2014 at 11:27 pm Reply

        They all are. Just take breaks in between!

  7. El Guapo January 20, 2014 at 10:54 pm Reply

    I’d save talking to Einstein for last, just so I could laugh at his shocked expression on the ride back.

    Hope the show does justice to the story.

    • Karen January 20, 2014 at 11:14 pm Reply

      Considering what I would do right before coming back and what you would do, I’d say we have different priorities :-) I’m really enjoying the first book. I hope I’m not disappointed in the show.

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