Maybe Marriage is More than a Sneaky Trap Keeping Me from Other Men’s Penises

I was watching the very poignant videos of gay couples about to marry over on the New York Times website and it got me thinking about how much marriage meant to them, and how I was shallow and terrible and the worst human being ever because I never really wanted to get married.

I wanted to get engaged.

Mazel tov!

Doesn’t really care that I’m engaged (but he’s going to hear about it anyway)

I wanted to wear a big rock on the ring finger of my left hand and show it to all my friends, and maybe even that guy who lives out on the street over the heating grate, and say, “Yes, it’s true.  My man wants to marry me.”

As it turned out, I wound up with a ring that featured a really tiny diamond surrounded by even smaller diamond chips, the money for which I think my poor medical resident husband fiancé boyfriend raised by selling his blood plasma.

I was so ambivalent about actual marriage, however, that we went along with our engagement and never set an actual wedding date.  We lived together, got pregnant (one time, then a second time) and still we wandered along in this perpetual state of “engagement.”  Sure, we even went so far as to get a marriage license but then it sat on our kitchen counter for a month, and then into a second month.

“You know, this license is only good for sixty days,” I mentioned to my husband boyfriend fiancé one day.

“So?” he said.

“If we don’t get married by the end of this month, we have to get a new one.  And that will cost another sixty dollars,” I said.

"You mean this isn't good for a free turkey?"

“Sorry, ma’am. We only accept manufacturer coupons here.”

Long time readers of this blog know I am cheap frugal, so they will have already guessed that we ran down to the Justice of the Peace and used that marriage license like it was a Buy One Get One Free coupon for Quilted Northern Bath Tissue about to expire.

I have to confess that as I watched the videos of these long time couples who are finally able to have their commitment publicly recognized and sanctioned, I got a little teary-eyed and I started to think that maybe marriage is a beautiful thing.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

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13 thoughts on “Maybe Marriage is More than a Sneaky Trap Keeping Me from Other Men’s Penises

  1. Dylan Hearn December 9, 2013 at 1:54 pm Reply

    My wife and I never got engaged, at least not publicly. I asked her to marry me in my Grandparents spare bedroom after drinking too much of my late Granddad’s home-made wine, and my wife had obviously drunk more than me as she said yes. We got married in a registry office with two witnesses, went on honeymoon, came home and told the family. We then had a party later to receive presents. For some people, the day and everything it entails is the most important part of getting married, for others it is that one moment, the act of commitment. There is no right or wrong way of doing this, it’s whatever rocks your boat, but it seems that for you and your husband, that commitment came when you went public with your engagement. Everything after that was just ticking boxes because your beautiful moment had already happened.

    • Dylan Hearn December 9, 2013 at 1:55 pm Reply

      I promise to be less serious next time. your last comment on my blog must have contaminated me with ‘honesty’ ;-)

    • Karen December 10, 2013 at 3:52 am Reply

      Aw, you make “my beautiful moment” sound really classy and romantic, when, in actuality, it was just him handing me a jewelry box one night after we had sex.

      I’m wondering now if I had said, “Not tonight, I have a headache,” would we ever have gotten engaged? ;)

      • Dylan Hearn December 10, 2013 at 4:23 am Reply

        That is classy and romantic. You have to remember that every part of his body just wanted to fart, roll over and fall asleep.

  2. Elyse December 9, 2013 at 8:51 pm Reply

    I was the opposite. I like being married. Being engaged made me feel like I was supposed to act like a come-to-life Barbie doll and I am not a Barbie girl. My first memory is of holding my sister’s Barbie’s feet while our dog chewed on her head..It is a fond memory, too.

    Being married is quite nice. No Barbie expectations. Nor am I expected to be June Cleaver, so I am happy.

    • Karen December 10, 2013 at 3:48 am Reply

      I dunno. I remember being quite terrified up to and during the marriage ceremony. And I nearly choked on the word “husband” the first time I introduced my husband as “my husband.”

  3. Basil the Roswell Alien December 9, 2013 at 9:08 pm Reply

    Funny how the word ‘frugal’ doesn’t sound as cheap as ‘cheap’;)
    Thank you for this post…If gay marriage inspires you to actually get married yourself, it would be one hell of an argument against people saying gay marriage destroys the sanctity of marriage!

    • Karen December 10, 2013 at 3:34 am Reply

      I am married for ten (gulp!) years now. I think the point I was trying to make in this post (perhaps unsuccessfully!) was that we (heterosexuals) take the whole marriage thing for granted.

      • Basil the Roswell Alien December 10, 2013 at 9:35 am Reply

        Oops…sorry, congratulations on your marriage. It was the first post I ever read from you, so I guess I assumed it was referring to the present. Regardless, thanks all the same!

  4. tombreyfogle December 15, 2013 at 5:56 pm Reply

    Your blog is questionably entertaining…but still funny.

    • Karen December 15, 2013 at 6:18 pm Reply

      Thanks! I think . . .

  5. SunnyBunny January 15, 2014 at 8:18 pm Reply

    This was really funny – my (now ex-husband) was very romantic about the whole thing. We were at the mall and he bought a very small emerald and diamond ring. It was very sweet and I said yes. Fast forward about 8 months he gave me a “real diamond” . Said yes again, fast forward 3 months (the stone had come loose and he took it to be reset),he gave it back to me and I didn’t even notice the stone was 3 sizes bigger.
    We also got married in front of a judge – who knew us both since childhood. I had 1 week to get everything together. He was late, ceremony was over in like 20minutes. We kissed, we laughed and cried a little bit – then we both went to work. No honeymoon…..ahhh love.

    • Karen January 15, 2014 at 9:05 pm Reply

      I’m glad the post brought back pleasant memories of your engagement and wedding.

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