Why You Don’t Want to Be a Guest Blogger on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please

Web Log.

Blah blah blah blog!

Frequently Occasionally That one time Sometimes bloggers email me (using my handy-dandy contact form, which you can find here) asking me if I would allow them to guest post on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please.  I usually don’t respond because I can tell from the email that the blogger has never read my blog (“I write about puppy dogs and kittens!  I think your readers will enjoy my post!”) but last week, I was contacted by a blogger*** I recognized and that email sat in my In Box for days while I tried to compose a rational thoughtful response. I wrote and rewrote that email until I was finally pleased with what I had produced.

Dear Blogger Friend,

I thought that would be the end of this episode in my blogging life and maybe I would lose a follower or maybe the rejected blogger would leave a nasty comment but then we would both go on with our lives: me, continuing to write posts that reveal too much information about my sex life, and the blogger continuing to write posts about dinner at Applebee’s (SPOILER ALERT!  The Savory Cedar Salmon tastes like paint thinner).  But instead there was a follow up exchange of texts, and I wound up feeling the same way I felt when I tried to explain to my high school boyfriend, Keith, why we were breaking up.

Me:  I just don’t think we’re a good fit.

Blogger:  What do you mean?  You mean because I don’t write about sex?  I’ve read your blog, you don’t always write about sex, either.  We’re both writing humor.  Have you read my post, “Dinner at Applebee’s“?  It’s really funny.

Me:  I did read that post.  It was very cute.

Blogger:  So what do you mean we’re “not a good fit”?

Me:  I just don’t think we have the right chemistry.

I found true love on chemistry.com (that's a real dating site, by the way.  Go ahead.  Click this picture and you'll find it)

I’m not sure what it is, but whatever it is, we don’t have it.

That line “I just don’t think we have the right chemistry” is the exact line I used on Keith back in high school, and I nearly flunked Mr. Jinkings class sophomore year, so I had no idea what I meant by “chemistry” then, and I still have no idea what I meant by that expression when I used it on this blogger.  However, it seemed to do the trick (on both Keith and the blogger), and the conversation concluded (or, rather, let’s say it appeared to conclude).

I got to thinking more about this encounter and after obsessing carefully considering how I might have responded to the blogger with more specifics, I came up with a list of reasons why you do not want to guest post on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please.

  • I’m afraid you are mistaken about the kind of traffic my blog gets.

I know it’s hard for bloggers who are just starting out and can’t get anyone but that one weird guy who desperately wants to date them to look at their blog. And then along comes this post from the good folks at WordPress, “Widen Your Circle With Guest Bloggers”, and they think they can widen their circle at Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please.

Believe me, my blog is not going to widen your circle.

While I’m pleased (and mystified) by the amount of traffic this site generates, 99.99% of the readers who find my blog are searching for good places to have sex in public and, unless you’ve come up with a few new good spots, chances are they won’t check out your post on what to do with left over cranberry sauce or your recap of this week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother.

  • I’m afraid that guest blogging is a little more social interaction than I really want.

I was absolutely emotionally drained by our exchange of a single email and a handful of texts. There’s a reason why I sit by myself each day staring at a computer monitor for long periods of time.  I don’t really want to invest in the (admittedly minimal) human contact that would come with orchestrating a guest blog post.

  • I’m afraid your blog post will suck.

I know it’s hard to believe that someone who wrote about Creepy Public Wanking (not once, not twice, but three times) could be critical of anything you write, but there you have it.

So there are the reasons why you don’t want to guest blog here at Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please.  

Tomorrow, we’ll find out what happens when my blogger friend gets the bright idea that if I won’t allow a guest blog on my site, maybe I’ll agree to guest blog on another site.

***I’m hoping that the unidentified blogger referred to in this post takes this all in the spirit of good humor in which it is intended.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

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19 thoughts on “Why You Don’t Want to Be a Guest Blogger on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please

  1. Karen December 2, 2013 at 6:00 am Reply

    Doesn’t “Savory Cedar Salmon” sound like a flavor of canned cat food?

  2. bodycrimes December 2, 2013 at 6:24 am Reply

    God I’m jealous. I wish somebody would offer to guest post at mine!

    • Karen December 2, 2013 at 7:33 am Reply

      Be careful what you wish for. You might wind up with a post about puppy dogs and kittens on your blog . . .

  3. Michelle at The Green Study December 2, 2013 at 9:47 am Reply

    I am completely on board with you on this, Karen. My other reason for not having guest bloggers is a reader’s reason. I rarely read guest posts on blogs I follow. I’m following that blog for a unique voice or perspective, not for some random stranger’s post. It’s about expectations. I will promote, provide links and make mention of bloggers or posts that I enjoyed, but it will be in the context of a post I have written.

    I have written a couple of guest posts, but for blogs that are intended as a collaborative effort or collection of differing viewpoints. I like the intellectual challenge. Just to fill someone’s quota of postings feels a little like doing someone else’s homework. We all have our personal preferences and comfort levels. Thanks for sharing yours.

    • Karen December 2, 2013 at 1:44 pm Reply

      Yeah, I get requests from bloggers wanting to guest post here every few weeks or so but when I got three requests in a single week, I knew something was up and finally tracked the source back to that “Widen Your Circle With Guest Bloggers” article over on the Daily Post. I think the editors at WordPress just write this stuff to cause trouble. ;)

      I wish the answer to poor traffic on a blog was as simple as “guest blogging.” It isn’t. And you’re right, I have enough trouble creating content for my own blog, I don’t really have an excess of material I can provide (for free) to other bloggers to fill in their blogging schedule. That’s actually a topic (providing creative content for free) I’ve been meaning to tackle for awhile now and may wind up being a Part III of this series.

  4. rossmurray1 December 2, 2013 at 11:17 am Reply

    Think of all the hits you’re going to get now from people searching “widen your circle.”

    • Karen December 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm Reply

      Yes, those editors of WordPress know just the right words to use in their blog posts to drive traffic . . . ;)

  5. Dylan Hearn December 2, 2013 at 1:52 pm Reply

    But I’ve got this great blog idea about how raising palomino ponies helps bring together estranged family members, as proven by science. I’ll even add in a dick gag for your regulars if you want…

    • Karen December 2, 2013 at 1:56 pm Reply

      Too easy. Horse cock jokes just write themselves. ;)

      • Karen December 2, 2013 at 1:57 pm Reply

        See? Now that reply right there is the reason why you don’t want to be associated with my blog. I’m vulgar and uncouth. ;)

      • Dylan Hearn December 2, 2013 at 1:58 pm Reply

        What about onanistic octopus?

        • Karen December 2, 2013 at 3:10 pm Reply

          “The Onanistic Octopus”–that sounds like a children’s song. Oh, wait, I just Googled “onanistic” . . . ;)

  6. Gus Sanchez December 2, 2013 at 5:02 pm Reply

    I post requests to host guest blog posts periodically, but when I get a request to host a guest post that I frankly can’t be bothered to host – like, for example, a guest post reviewing the latest designer shoes – I come up with some lame excuse like I’ve already got around 30 guest posts in the queue, and it would be about 9-12 months before I could post your guest post.

    I just don’t have the heart to say, “Have you READ my blog?”

    • Karen December 2, 2013 at 5:05 pm Reply

      Wow you have a whole system there. I just delete the emails. :-) I know, I’m heartless.

      • Gus Sanchez December 2, 2013 at 5:16 pm Reply

        No, I’m the one who’s heartless. I like setting expectations, then crushing them in one fell swoop. Bastard.

        • Karen December 2, 2013 at 5:18 pm Reply

          Ah, you’re just a blog tease. :-)

  7. […] post is a second in a series.  The first post, “Why You Don’t Want to Be a Guest Blogger on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please“, appeared […]

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