Like a Certified Virgin

Recently, the Quebec College of Physicians had to warn its members not to issue virginity certificates.

I’ll wait a moment while you clean off the coffee (or Coca Cola or Victory Gin or whatever you’re drinking) you just spewed all over your computer monitor.

Here’s more on the story from the Toronto Sun article “‘Virginity Certificates’ a No-No, says Quebec College of Physicians”:

 Quebec’s college of physicians is threatening to fine any members who issue virginity certificates.

“A virginity certificate is not a medical act,” said Dr. Charles Bernard, president of the college, while acknowledging that the attestations are rarely issued.

tim-hortons-CafeBakeShopLogo

Donuts and virgins go great together.

I like how the Quebec College of Physicians issued a “no-no” which is what I used to say to my toddler when she wandered too close to the fire place.  A “No-no” from the Quebec College of Physicians is like a judicial injunction, I guess, or maybe a Papal bull.  The idea of a “No-no” makes me imagine a Canadian physician sitting at his desk, retrieving a pen from a drawer, preparing to sign his John Hancock (or whatever they call it in Canada.  A Tim Hortons, maybe?) to the crisp sheepskin that virginity certificates most certainly must be printed on and then some interfering College of Physicians guy comes rushing into the room, wagging his finger and screaming “No-no!” at the top of his lungs.

Anyway, back to the virgins.  

I’m going to ignore the reasons why a patient would seek a Virginity Certificate from her doctor because I’m an American and a feminist and horny so thinking about that makes me all sorts of angry, and this blog is about the funny, not the angry, so let’s go with that.

Red Robin Bottomless Steak Fries®

Virgins and non-virgins can agree about one thing: Red Robin Bottomless Steak Fries® are awesome.

I’ve got to wonder if a Virginity Certificate might be good for anything other than, you know, the obvious.  Like would it get me discounts somewhere?  Could I show my Virginity Certificate at Red Robin and get unlimited  Bottomless Steak Fries®?  Well, I could show them the certificate, but they give Bottomless Steak Fries® to everyone, virgin or not.  The server might look at me a bit differently, though.

My husband is a physician, though of the American variety, not québécois, and I thought he could issue me my Virginity Certificate and I would try to use it around town to get free stuff.

Sexually Active Me: Say, would you issue me a Virginity Certificate?

My Not As Sexually Active As He Would Like to Be Husband (hey, we have two kids.  You try and find time for sex): There are a lot of things wrong with that question.  But let’s start with the fact that you’re not a virgin, though you’ve been acting like one lately.

Sexually Active Me: Are you about to turn my certified virgin blog post into a big complaint about how you’re not getting enough sex?  I don’t think my readers need to hear any more from you, then.

So you can see my husband would not assist me in my effort to scam free stuff for virgins.  I decided to look elsewhere and I came upon this website (what did we do before the internet?): certifiedvirgin.com.  For the very reasonable price of $1USD (that’s $1.03 to all you Canadians getting the no-no from your doctors), I can get a very official piece of paper declaring me a certified virgin.

But long time readers of this blog will know that I am cheap frugal, so the thought of parting with even a single dollar to document my certified virginity goes against everything I believe in.  There has got to be a cheaper way to let the world know who’s a virgin and who isn’t, right?

I’ve got it.  I’ll start playing World of Warcraft, watching Dr. Who and writing a blog.

The images in this post can be found on the media pages of Red Robin® and Tim Hortons.

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16 thoughts on “Like a Certified Virgin

  1. bodycrimes October 14, 2013 at 8:08 am Reply

    More importantly, who certifies the certifiers? Is there a recognised course in virginity certification?

    BTW There’s a clinic in the next town over where I live that specialises in ‘vaginal cosmetic surgery’ by which they mean reconstructing the hymen. I wonder if the patients get a certificate at the end.

    • Karen October 14, 2013 at 8:25 am Reply

      Yeah, unfortunately, cosmetic surgery has moved from our face and our breasts and down to our hooha (I believe that is the technical term for it). In addition to hymenoplasty, liposuction on the mons pubis is not unheard of here in the States, either.

  2. Dylan Hearn October 14, 2013 at 8:22 am Reply

    It’s funny how men (and it must be men) would like a certificate from a physician to prove a woman is a virgin, yet women can spot a virgin man from a mile off.

    • Karen October 14, 2013 at 8:28 am Reply

      No, I think the women want the certificates as well. Unfortunately, there are cultures (and both men and women within those cultures) that view the only worthwhile item a woman has to offer is her hymen.

      I dunno. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a man was a virgin or if he’s just lousy in bed. ;)

      • Dylan Hearn October 14, 2013 at 8:31 am Reply

        I may apply for one myself. Can you become a born again virgin?

        • Karen October 14, 2013 at 2:03 pm Reply

          I guess you could become one, not sure why you’d want to, though. I didn’t find virginity much fun the first time around. ;)

  3. Joyce October 14, 2013 at 1:18 pm Reply

    I’m sure there’s a black market for those certificates, in the same spirit as clean urine or a positive pregnancy test.

    • Karen October 14, 2013 at 7:54 pm Reply

      It makes me sad to think there would be a girl out there so desperate for a worthless piece of paper that she would pursue one on a black market.

      Anyway, I’m optimistic that this practice will go the way of the do-do in about a generation or so.

      • Joyce October 15, 2013 at 10:01 am Reply

        Same here…I am also rather surprised that this is an issue in Canada. I thought Canada was a bit more progressive than that.

  4. rossmurray1 October 14, 2013 at 5:57 pm Reply

    This is the best Thanksgiving ever!

    • Karen October 14, 2013 at 7:45 pm Reply

      Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!

      And a Certified Virgin Certificate would make a lovely Thanksgiving gift for your favorite Canadian.

  5. bunny48 October 17, 2013 at 10:27 am Reply

    Wait a minute, I could spend a dollar and pretend I’m a Virgin again? Think of the Freedom! Think of the Joy. Think of the Deception. I could sing, “Like A Virgin!” and I wouldn’t be lying. Oh, What a great idea. You’ve got my thoughts rolling.

  6. Aussa Lorens October 17, 2013 at 2:28 pm Reply

    I’m certifying all of my friends as virgins for Christmas this year.

    • Karen October 17, 2013 at 5:32 pm Reply

      A Christmas miracle!

  7. Producto Endorsair November 19, 2013 at 2:13 pm Reply

    The label on the bottle means nothing if the cork has been tampered with…or tamponed with.

  8. […] The Country I Resolve to Write About Much More in 2014 Canada.  Canadians are just way funnier than the French.  You can read about how funny Canadians are in Like A Certified Virgin. […]

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