For all of you who spent the summer lolling around in the pool, eating too much barbecue, and forgetting everything you learned, there is hope: the calendar has turned to September, and it’s time to go back to sex school.
Yes! There are schools that teach you to be better at sex, instead of just fumbling along as a sexual idiot the rest of your life. Usually they call the schools “salons” because that word conjures up images of soft music, pampering, and air perfumed with the scent of exotic flowers, while the word “schools” just conjures up images of Miss Bonito, who taught freshman English and was rumored to have been a semi pro football (Go Gators!) player prior to both a career and sex change.
I read all about sex salons in an article in The Telegraph titled, “Why Women are Going to Oral Sex Lessons.” I came to the British newspaper’s site because I was reading a story about this guy, Daniel Cooper, who was arrested for having sex with a Land Rover until I realized there was no way I could make that story any funnier than it was (what part was he actually humping? To my disappointment, the article did not say. You know, the Land Rover is a pretty big vehicle, it’s not like he could mount it. Maybe he got underneath, and let the Land Rover do all the work, only occasionally slapping the split rear tailgate and saying “Oh, yeah, baby!” in that Austin Powers voice I imagine all Brits speak). Anyway, here’s why women are going to oral sex lessons:
The ‘sex salon’, in its mainstream, populist form is very much a modern phenomenon, which salon coordinator Lauren Newman puts down to the rise in Mummy Porn, amongst other things: “The Salons are definitely growing in popularity. Part of this can probably be attributed to the success of Fifty Shades of Grey, Belle du Jour and writers like Caitlin Moran and the result is that people are talking more openly about sex than they were before. Women, in particular, are feeling more empowered to be sexy and also to dominate.”
So, it looks like we have Fifty Shades of Grey to blame for
all that is wrong in the world the crisis in Syria why that guy fucked a Land Rover the emergence of sex salons.
I can hear my American readers now thinking, “Oh, this is an article from an English newspaper, and this story is about English people. Of course the English need to be taught about sex! But not us red blooded Americans who are exceptional, and exceptionally sexy!” But it turns out, we Americans are also sexual imbeciles, and would benefit from some organized instruction. Luckily, we have enterprising entrepreneurs like Kim Anami out there, selling her Sexual Savant Salons. While I am intrigued by such course titles as “The Well F**ked Woman” and “Vaginal Kung Fu (coming January 2014)”, I’m also
cheap frugal, so I think I’ll just continue my sexual education by watching free porn on the internet.
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