The Best Place to Have Sex in Public (without getting caught) Is to Have Sex in Private

This month’s Cosmopolitan has an article with the tantalizing title “Best Places to Have Sex in Public”  and when I excitedly clicked on the story, I found myself disappointed to read the full title of the piece: “Best Places to Have Sex in Public (without getting caught)“.

Isn’t the whole point of having sex in public to get caught?  Or at least feel that you might get caught? Isn’t that what makes it exciting?  Otherwise, you know, if there’s no chance of being caught, I’d just as well have plain, old, boring sex in private.

Spritz some sanitizer on that bench before you sit down.

People have sex here.

If you click on the link, you’ll find out that Cosmopolitan thinks these are the best places to have sex in public (and not get caught):

  1. In a car
  2. At the park
  3. In a fitting room
  4. In an empty classroom
  5. In an elevator
  6. In a utility closet
  7. At the movies
  8. In a photo booth
  9. In a sauna

In the interest of full disclosure (get ready, I’m about to reveal some intimate information about myself that may make you embarrassed and/or uncomfortable), I’ve had sex in a car, at the movies, and on a beach, which I’m counting as “at the park” because, you know, close enough.

So that leaves me with options 3, 4, 5, 6, 8 and 9.  Let me add those to my Sexual Bucket List.

Still, it’s a pretty tame list from Cosmo, but maybe that’s because I’m ten-years-married and finding myself fantasizing more and more about things like, well, public sex.  In the interests of improving intercourse discourse on this subject, let me add my suggestions for the Best Riskiest Places to Have Sex in Public (you really better want to get caught if you try any of these).

Janitors get a lot of action

People have sex here.

  1. In a car that’s being ticketed for a parking violation as the officer is writing the ticket.
  2. At Fenway Park, in the Green Monster seats, during the National Anthem.
  3. In the fitting room of a bridal shop with anyone other than your groom.
  4. In an empty classroom right before your first parent-teacher conference with Miss Liebzinski, the kindergarten teacher. The sex can be with or without Miss Liebzinski.
  5. In one of the six glass-sided elevators of the CN Tower in downtown Toronto.  The elevator ride features breath-taking views of the city, but, um, you probably won’t notice.
  6. In a utility closet marked “DANGER!  KEEP OUT!”
  7. At any Disney movie.
  8. In a tanning booth while shouting, “Who the fuck stole my bottle of aloe vera?” over and over again.
  9. In an actual Turkish sauna in, let’s say, Ankara.


You can read more lists from Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please in the following posts: My Four Rules of Sex, Starting Over and Super Bowl Sex Tips.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.


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19 thoughts on “The Best Place to Have Sex in Public (without getting caught) Is to Have Sex in Private

  1. Karen March 13, 2013 at 5:00 am Reply

    The theme for this month’s NaBloPoMo is “risk” and short of shooting up intravenous drugs while playing Russian roulette, I can’t think of anything riskier than public sex . . .

  2. Katie March 13, 2013 at 6:12 am Reply

    Now I know how to make a good impression at parent-teacher conferences when I’m a mom!

    Also, I think you’ve inspired me. I’ve been reading Cosmo for a while, and lately, I’m getting a little disappointed with their content. Maybe writing some failed Cosmopolitan articles are in order…

    • Karen March 13, 2013 at 9:14 am Reply

      You can rely on me to give awesome parenting advice! ;)

      Yeah, Cosmo has been a source of inspiration for me before.

  3. rebecca2000 March 13, 2013 at 9:18 am Reply

    LOL Yes I avoid the Fenway park one, the rest I don’t think are that dangerous. ;)

    • Karen March 13, 2013 at 10:29 pm Reply

      Rebecca, I worry about you sometimes :)

  4. nancyfrancis March 13, 2013 at 1:42 pm Reply

    I was totally with you until the ‘six glass elevators bit’ – not in that you wouldn’t get caught (because you absolutely would, they always have an elevator attendant), but if there are actually SIX of them?

    Turns out you’re right – I can see La Tour CN from my office (where I am right now, hard at work avoiding my job) and I would have put money on 4 elevators. Thanks to google though, you’ve been proven correct.

    I’ll stop trying to outsmart people, eventually.

    • Karen March 13, 2013 at 1:52 pm Reply

      lol! Yeah, um, believe it or not, this blog is pretty well researched. ;)

  5. Sebastian March March 13, 2013 at 9:23 pm Reply

    You’re wise to suggest the Green Monster seats during the National Anthem. You can ignore “the bombs bursting in air,” but you can’t ignore the Monster when it gets smacked by a long drive to left. It will scare you right out of the mood.

    • Karen March 13, 2013 at 10:29 pm Reply

      Yeah, pregame sex is best. ;)

  6. Its About Sex! | Stop Political Bullshit March 16, 2013 at 10:51 pm Reply

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  8. Dave June 18, 2013 at 2:46 pm Reply

    Graveyards. Nuff’ said.

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  10. Jenna July 16, 2013 at 12:50 am Reply

    Ok im all for public places. until you mentioned Disney movies. what kind of sick person would have sex while surrounded by children. that’s absolutely sick.

    • Karen July 16, 2013 at 1:20 am Reply

      This is a humor blog. The list was not meant to be serious.

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