This month’s Cosmopolitan has an article with the tantalizing title “Best Places to Have Sex in Public” and when I excitedly clicked on the story, I found myself disappointed to read the full title of the piece: “Best Places to Have Sex in Public (without getting caught)“.
Isn’t the whole point of having sex in public to get caught? Or at least feel that you might get caught? Isn’t that what makes it exciting? Otherwise, you know, if there’s no chance of being caught, I’d just as well have plain, old, boring sex in private.
If you click on the link, you’ll find out that Cosmopolitan thinks these are the best places to have sex in public (and not get caught):
- In a car
- At the park
- In a fitting room
- In an empty classroom
- In an elevator
- In a utility closet
- At the movies
- In a photo booth
- In a sauna
In the interest of full disclosure (get ready, I’m about to reveal some intimate information about myself that may make you embarrassed and/or uncomfortable), I’ve had sex in a car, at the movies, and on a beach, which I’m counting as “at the park” because, you know, close enough.
So that leaves me with options 3, 4, 5, 6, 8 and 9. Let me add those to my Sexual Bucket List.
Still, it’s a pretty tame list from Cosmo, but maybe that’s because I’m ten-years-married and finding myself fantasizing more and more about things like, well, public sex. In the interests of improving
intercourse discourse on this subject, let me add my suggestions for the Best Riskiest Places to Have Sex in Public (you really better want to get caught if you try any of these).
- In a car that’s being ticketed for a parking violation as the officer is writing the ticket.
- At Fenway Park, in the Green Monster seats, during the National Anthem.
- In the fitting room of a bridal shop with anyone other than your groom.
- In an empty classroom right before your first parent-teacher conference with Miss Liebzinski, the kindergarten teacher. The sex can be with or without Miss Liebzinski.
- In one of the six glass-sided elevators of the CN Tower in downtown Toronto. The elevator ride features breath-taking views of the city, but, um, you probably won’t notice.
- In a utility closet marked “DANGER! KEEP OUT!”
- At any Disney movie.
- In a tanning booth while shouting, “Who the fuck stole my bottle of aloe vera?” over and over again.
- In an actual Turkish sauna in, let’s say, Ankara.
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