If you’re like me, you probably had the same reaction on reading this headline Dr. Ruth Has Some Super Bowl Sex Tips for You:
Isn’t Dr. Ruth dead?
Turns out, she isn’t dead. Instead of being dead, she’s out there giving sex tips on Twitter. Hmmmm. I wonder if she’ll return my follow if I add her.
If you’re brave enough (are you that brave? Are you???), click the link and you’ll see Dr. Ruth suggests that you and your partner pretend you’re being attacked by birds (the Ravens are playing the 49ers this year, so I guess the Ravens=birds. See? There’s the half-assed connection to the Super Bowl, at least in Dr. Ruth’s addled brain) and try to have sex before the birds peck your private parts, or something.
I swear I am not making this up.
Since I don’t think Dr. Ruth’s Super Bowl Sex Tips are going to improve my love life (but it does make me wonder why Netflix doesn’t list Hitchcock’s The Birds in the Romantic Movies section. Oh, wait. Now I remember), I thought I would make a list of my own for all you to try out after you’ve stuffed yourself full of buffalo wings/nachos/pizza and watched your team win/lose/Idon’thaveateamIjustwatchforthecommercials.
Dr. Ruth’s Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please’s Super Bowl XLVII Sex Tips
- Melt some Velveeta cheese in the microwave. Stir in a can of Ro*Tel® tomatoes. Smear over your partner. Serve with tortilla chips.
- Attach pom poms to your tatas (or your Charlie Browns*) and do a handstand every time your team scores.
- Have your partner put on a pair of shoulder pads and a helmet (and nothing else) and role play this scene: You are the football coach who just cut your partner from the team. Explain what your partner must do to earn back a position.
- Reenact the infamous “wardrobe malfunction” scene from the XXXVIII half time show, adding this twist: the male in your relationship must play the part of Janet Jackson, and the female must play Justin Timberlake. If you are in a same sex relationship, you can both play John Madden.
- Get into a three point stance and hike an imaginary football to your partner. In the nude.
- Go deep.
- Grab a hairbrush and pretend to interview your partner from the sidelines. In the nude.
- Draw a diagram of a complicated sexual move on a whiteboard and explain it to your partner. Wipe the board clean before your kids see it.
- Put on a half time show for your partner during the actual half time of the big game. Include pyrotechnics and back up dancers.
And a final tip, guaranteed to improve your sex life:
10. Turn off the TV.
You can watch Super Bowl XLVII this Sunday, February 3. Kickoff is scheduled for 6:30EST/5:30CT on CBS.
*Arrested Development returns for its fourth season in May, exclusively on Netflix.